I am siting here and i am in such a blank mood. I don't know what to think or say, i have cried tears of joy relief and pain, the big ball of energy in my chest is releasing, and I'm tired and drained. I am going through another change in my life. That deep insight, that what am I going to do now and what do I really want and who is going to be included in that. Who really wants to be included in it. The It is where it begins and the when and where and how is next. In that growth comes all the choices I have made up until this point and I ask myself is it really real, was alot of it worth it and will I make the same choices again. Living for me, doing whats right for me and being free to be me. I look at that statement and I think man is that selfish but damn its selfish of you if you stay somewhere that is unhealthty or not what u envisioned for yourself or makes you have to surpress apart of yourself to make someone else pleased with themselves. I look at that statement and I ask myself what makes me happy. I can go down the list and then check off which ones i am actually doing. The ones that I am not doing am I whole without doing those. I just broke up with my man of a year (or so I thought cause he don't seem to want to believe its over) and in that yr I have gained so much but in the process have givin myself enough attention and have found myself not doing certain things to keep peace. Hes very much the business savy (or try to be make me believe that he is) brotha with alot of book knowledge sometimes to smart for his own good and in that, missing inner values that bring upon balance and paying attention to the hats we wear in our relationship that are off and not being sensitive to it. He doesn't connect emotionally so this breakup didn't move him one bit. (thats what it seems to me). Now i'm not expecting him to cry and beg me to come back (I can't go anywhere right now anyway and he isn't going to put me out either) but I would like to really sit and talk about somethings and make them penetrate. I would once like for him to look deep in himself and realize his potential and the divine being he is. i am sitting here typing and thinking about those relatioships that have made it to the finish line and I look at todays relationship and I know I would like someone that is free in themselves striving for that inner peace but has intellect too. Love is freedom and loving self is ultimate freedom. I am thinking about this article i read about karma mates and soul mates and I know that this brotha is a karma mate for that in everyone we learn lessons and in those lessons we pick out the familar memories of our patterns(karma are just memories from one lifetime into the present) or people that we never seen before are so familar to us. In this relationship there familar patterns in the type of brothas I choose to be with and some of them have familar energy like we are picking up where we left off. Some have familar attitudes which in time becomes a turn off or draining or allows me to look at no one but me. So I set out to continue my investigation and change, make sure that i am being honest with me first and do some clean up. Its funny but i knew this time would come and the adjustments I have to make are not going to be easy but the outcome and benefit from the adjustments are going to be awesome. I notice that everytime i am honest with myself a door opens and things move for me. I am praticing more and more to be content with change and be centered in the process when the cycle has run its course and know that i will be at alright. I learned so much from him and i know we will be great friends and i know that he would want to know how me and my son is doing. I am not mad at him, sad, or anything. I will the possibility that he see the wonderful healed man I see in him, but that is just the could be just that i was lovin and tryin to get next too, which took me from myself. I have learned from him the art of discipline and focus like ever before, he got me reading things about economics and cleaning up my debt and all this economic information that i wouldnt think to have read. He showed me how to rethink my life over and make better choices when comes to my career, my son and my education. He (didn't know it) taught to find statbilty in myself and not look for it in others to do what i should be doing myself. The old cycle of my life is coming to an end and the new cycle is exciting and adventurous and I have no idea where its going to take me but i am not letting go of this ride. I just rambled alot of stuff and i really don't know what point i was trying to make i just needed to write. I''ll probably be back with part two. peace and love