Ok i'm am sitting here again and this time i dont know if i made the right choice. ok here i go...... my weekend was very interesting I remember telling u that I let the relationship go but we are back together. I also rem. talking about the things i have learned from this relationship and others and my life is changing and so on and so forth . I have been putting the thought of leaving him for awhile out to the universe and Saturday the universe made it happen. I was upset with him cause he was going out with his cousin who drinks like a waterf all and is always interferring, very needy and jealous and looks for ways to get him away from me, wants him to be drunk all the time. I don't want that vibration in my home especially when it his cousins energy that was shared. He came home drunk and i rejected his pass and the next morning he was furious and told me to take some money and leave. This is when truth hurts because also told me what he was feeling and it very accurate, something in his eye and tone though made me change my approach with him and i got him to finally listen and talk. So instead of reacting in a negative way I starting chanting in my head and breathing then i asked him "why?" and then preceded to talk to him and get to the source of the matter I knew deep down it was what i had been putting out there but at the same time i didn't want to just leave like that ya know. It would very sloppy, with bitter colors and I know its a known fact that people are on your life for certain reasons and then they must live out their time then something will happen for it to be over.

Now our relationship took a hell of alot of work, he was not the open one in this nor was he trying to connect with me compassionately, amongst alot of other things. I on the other hand am very open (too much) and came into this relationship very free. I thought that this was the one and that i can finally relax and seek that stability that I needed. His mother is very manipulative and sneaky. She doesn't like me and makes sure that everyone in his family feels the same way. She caused alot of problems between me and my mans 10 yr old daughter (my step daughter) filling her head up with negative projections. I used to work at that school I met him at so i have been knowing the child for 4 years then and she loved me. Every time she saw me she would just cling to me, but I noticed that she would have these emotional outburst and she didn't have a voice, she was very withdrawn. When i met the father he was very withdrawn too and so detached from life and himself. I finally met his mother and found the root of the problem. I didn't know why i choose to be with this man ya know I was perfectly happy being by myself and coming into a very peaceful awareness. So here I am now going on two yrs in this relationship and I have seen some wonderful changes in the both of them. I had some serious lessons to learn for myself and heal from. When I look at his daughter I see myself and what i probably would have been if my grandmother was still alive to this day. See I saw my grandmother as my mother and savior and no one else really mattered. But that is dangerous my mother didn't have a chance to really get to know me because my gma took over very controlling. I had a big blow out with his mother (my man) which basically opened his eyes, (my mans) about what was really going on in his environment. He knew but when u r living in situations that are less than ideal and u feel u have nothing to fight for, work hard for then u just settle. I think he just settled and let his mom run shit but it was draining and causing him to self destruct. I on the other didn't have my family like that so I was a struggling single mother running to theater gig after gig on the train with my son, worthless job that liked messing with peoples hours and debt. I didn't allow my mother to raise my son I took him everywhere and he had to be with me. I felt that he is my responsibility and no one else's except his dad (different man) and even then it took me a long time to just let him stay the whole weekend over there until I saw some changes in his dad. Till this day I am still cautious and he is ten but I talk to my son and my son knows he can talk to me. Plus I know that my son is helping his dad grow and heal because of the tools i have givin him he is sharing them with is dads side of the family and they are always intreged. His dad dont always listen to me so I tokd him listen to his child he'll overstand where i am coming from.

Now back to my relationship I see the changes and apart of me feels that my job is done but then there's that part of me that doesn't want to struggle any more. So then I ask myself what am I running from, and do I have everything firmly set for me to leave and am I taking care if my business if I have to leave. I called my sister friend (before me and my man patched things up) and asked her can we live with her for awhile. She told me that she would have to do a reading on it and she will get back to me, well damn two weeks later (it felt like it) she just called me yesterday and said every things is clear. I was so hurt because I really needed someone in my corner and it Would have been nice if she would've called and said something. I went to my kundalini yoga class angry that saturday night and really worked some inner kinks out and cried like a baby and for some reason clarity set in and I decided to work it out but what i told my man was that i needed to see him outside of his mothers house. We need our own so that we can really see eachother and not in someone else's eyes and I can keep implimenting good food and peaceful surroundings and inner work for my family and who would want something to destroy that. We've been looking for a three bedroom apartment and we found a real nice one in Hyde Park. We're going to take that one. The longer I am in this house (his mothers house) the more annoyed and moody I become, drained. I have to shield myself from the pain and sadness in this house. Now that she know we are moving she trying her best to get in his pockets and I know that men love their mothers but she has to know her place. She came to me this morning (i knew it was a set up) smiling and acting like she was happy we found a place, asking me which one I like and how I can decorate it and where to go and shit. I listened and spoke very politely. She goes on to say what she going by his daughter for her bedroom and I said that as long as it is reasonable. We are not going broke for material things and I told her I dont' need alot of STUFF. She said something to the effect "well if u want it to be comfortable u need to....." i said I got this and i will be decorating plus its a model apartment and we might buy whats there all ready to save us the trouble. I don't know yall I don't allow my mother to run anything in my life and she knows her place. I told him that the biggest thing I will not tolerate is his mother thinking she can come in my home and run things. She got her own house and every chance she gets she makes that very clear so I AM MAKING IT CLEAR THAT WHEN WE MOVE THAT IS OUR HOME I RUN THAT SHOW THERE AND U DON'T. BACK THE FUCK OFF!!!!. But thats his mother truth is truth and he is going to cater to his mother first no matter what he tell me. I feel nervous because I feel like I should call my girl and take her on the offer but then that means that i would have to in some ways really make away and I'll living in somebody else's home (female) under their rules and I don't know if I will be a threat to her. the benefits are though she is vegan,(lots of healthy foods), she is pretty much into what i am(shes a yoga instructor) meditates, readings, universal spiritual woman, has children (two beautiful ones) free spirit like me, and i know that my extra income coming would truly help alot and be appreciated, and shes crafty like me so the two of us would work it out. I shouldn't be nervous and I will talk to her. I am stuck and seeking the answers I know their in my face I just don't know how to look at them. WHY AM I SO SICKENED BY CHANGE AT TIMES!! MAN!! we stay in the relationships most of the time because we one don't want someone else to take our place, don't want to feel like we gave up on the person, don't want to feel selfish, don't want them to hate us, man a number of things i'm trying to get him to be able to except whatever happens between us with an open spirit and willingness to move forward not backwards. peace and love