So as my man and I are now going on 5 years together, I've been taking some time out to appreciate and reflect on our journey together, and I felt compelled to write about it.
We met in the Black Student Union my first year at San Francisco State. Our BSU had a little office in the student center (walls painted in vivid shades of red black and green of course) with couches and a computer, so everyone would gather there when we didn't have class and hang out, argue, talk politics...that was like my family. So one day I was sitting there in conversation with a bunch of other folks when this very nice looking young man walks in. Right off the bat I thought he was gay, because he was so nicely put together. He had on brown track pants perfectly matching the shade of his brown peacoat with a fleece trim collar. His hair was cut short and immaculately lined--sideburns and beard. "Hey, Codi!" Everyone was happy to see him. He quietly said hello and sat down with us, smiled and laughed, but didn't say too much. He was nice, but I thought he was gay and I was 3 years deep into a relationship at the time, so he was in no way on my radar screen. I did end up talking to him a lot because he was an artist like me, and we would both be in the BSU office drawing or working on projects. He was in the graphic design department, so he always came in with these amazing little things he'd created, or a wonderful sketch, and we'd talk about it.
The two of us had a mutual friend, a petite little lady from Sierra Leone with a big personality and spirit! The three of us started hanging out together a lot. After class we'd go out to eat or have a beer, and on the weekends she'd invite me to her house since we lived close, and every time I came there was Codi. By this time I knew Codi was not gay, but what I didn't know was that he was interested in me and our friend was determined to get us together. As we walked to class together, she'd ask me questions like, "don't you think Codi is beautiful? He's just so nice, and he's very talented." I agreed he was a great guy, but I was deep into my own thing.
But the truth was, my own thing was beginning to unravel. The man I was with was becoming increasingly controlling, and I kept rearranging my life to fit what he saw for me. He would tell me what to eat, what not to read, and who I should be friends with. I had actually stopped seeing my best friend regularly because he didn't like her and thought we acted silly together, and she had given up on reaching out. I was striving to be this vision of his, all the while feeling constrained into a very tight space. At the same time, he had been offered an amazing job at a television station on the east coast, and had decided to take it. He would move there, and we talked about me following him after I graduated. In my heart I knew that was not what I wanted to do. I quietly made the decision that I would end it when he left that coming spring.
Meanwhile I was having an amazing time at school! I was taking nothing but painting, textiles, and Black studies classes. I was learning how to do indigo dying, studying Kemet, creating big colorful canvases, and I was involved in all sorts of activities with the BSU as well and surrounded by all my friends, including Codi. We had a lot in common and were growing closer. We'd bring each other CDs to listen to, and we both had a great love for Jimi Hendrix--he'd bring his guitar to school and I'd ask him to play different Jimi riffs. At school I began to come out of my shell a little more, to be myself and express myself, and I began to feel very rebellious. I had been with the other guy since my first year out of high school, and he had been "molding" me for about that long. I was beginning to shake off some of his rules and have some fun.
Springtime came and I ended the relationship, and it devastated my ex. I honestly had no idea how much he appreciated me until I was out the door. He had spent a lot of time telling me how I didn't measure up. He asked me to stay, but my heart was no longer there. I had been starved for affection too long, and Codi had made his feelings for me known, and I was drawn to him like a magnet.
I consider the overlapping of those two relationships the worst--and best--thing I've ever done. The worst because I broke a man's heart. The best because for the first time in a long time, I was really happy. Codi showed me how to have fun again. I had spent so many years with all these rules on what I was "supposed" to be doing, I was scared (or ashamed) to do anything! Codi reminded me that who I was at that very moment was wonderful. He never hesitated to show me appreciation and affection, and I could just let go and be goofy with him. We'd stay up late and eat junk food and watch bad tv shows and laugh. Or we'd spend a day laying in the sun at the beach. With him I could just be. We made art, played music, and what we both thought would be a short-lived thing began blossoming into something more.
As the years went by, it wasn't easy. We were both struggling with personal demons (for me mild depression and low self esteem, for him a drinking problem) and trying to find ourselves while cultivating a relationship. But through all the low points (and there have been some VERY low points) we held onto each other, even if it wasn't always at the same time. There were times when I wanted to leave and did, but he held on and begged me to come back. And there were times when he left, and I did the same. Even when one of us lost faith, the other carried enough love for both.
But five years later, we've seen a whole lot, and realized that what we have is special, and rare. What I appreciate most about Codi is that he is there for me. If he says he's going to do something he does it, and he even goes out of his way to make sure I'm taken care of. Last week Codi flew out for my birthday. I had the weekend off, but had to work during the week, so when he arrived I didn't have any time with him, and no money to spruce up the place or even get groceries. I had nothing but a mattress and some suitcases, and the next morning I left him the keys and went to work. When I arrived home I couldn't believe what I found. He bought pots and pans, and filled the fridge with groceries. He hung up all my paintings that had been stacked in a corner so that my living room looked like an art gallery. he put together my bedframe so I no longer just had a mattress on the floor, and cooked dinner. I was in disbelief. His first day in New York, he could have done anything in the world, but he spent it fixing up my apartment. We had a wonderful week of exploring! We went to bookstores, parks, and cafes, and had so much fun. To this day he is still my very best friend, and we talk about everything. Sometimes we have serious discussions about art or politics, or sometimes we'll just be on the phone late at night cracking each other up with dumb impressions (last night it was Prince, lol).
It's been five years and this is only our beginning. I can't wait to see where life will take us, what our children will look like. It's just crazy how things went from what we both thought was just a school crush to something very powerful.
In the end, love is the most important thing, and if you find it, hold onto it through the good and the bad. When we have tough times often we literally just join hands and pray. It's not going to be perfect, but if you find someone who loves you for who you are, who uplifts you and pushes you to be better, and is a comforting presence in your life, hold onto your love. And let your loved one know he is appreciated.