here is what i wrote. i thought i'd share it further with ya'll. very interesting subject. thanks to QueenJanine for opening the space to share...

i am at work and felt a strong desire to share a little bit of my story.

i've been through the thick with black men. player for a father (r.i.p daddy but you know it's true). cousins, brothers not one can i think of at this moment who is in a nurturing relationship.

in all this, naturally, i've always been attracted to brown skin. native american, afrikan american, latino, island, flavor. just throw some flavor my way, a cute face and a little attitude and that was who i was attracted to throughout my tweens, teen, and twenties. in my early twenties i went through a phase of bad boy addiction. and every man i was involved with intimately, dated, and opened myself to, to receive the hurt they had in store for me, were black and latino men. don't get me wrong a lot of it was age, insecurities, not knowing how to love myself, growing pains if you will and seeking love in all the wrong ways.

thought i was serving a purpose b/c the crew i was hanging with were in the music industry. all the while i was absolutely being used. my story similar to this poem http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SFCQ840m-o

i learned slowly that i was lost in an abyss of confusion, loneliness, betrayal, scandal, pity, lies, heartache, self hate-self love issues you name it.

and then finally, i began to find myself again. and i began to pull back from everyone i knew to spend time with me again.

i randomly bring all this up to say, though this be the backdrop of my growth into who i am now, the saying 'there are no good black men out there' never entered my psyche or mind. in fact i never even knew this saying until years later when i heard women talking about it. and it has never set well within my spirit. it not only rings untrue, it sends currents of negative energy out into the atmosphere we breathe. words do indeed have power.

i think what it all boils down to is love.

when we are healthy self loving, self nurturing beings who know how to say no when we need to without shame or fear, we become beings of light. and we attract who we are to us. when we grow, so do the people we attract.

it wasn't until a horrible break up in 2004 that truly devastated me in every way you can imagine that i found myself gearing up for Florence Italy in summer of 2005 to study rennaissance art with a group of Illustration students from my school in NY.

it was on this trip that for the first time in my adult life, i found something precious within me that i've never said aloud until here in this comment. i found there in Florence Italy, walking through the cinque terre, visiting Venice, and communicating as best as possible with Italy's people, seeing the fresco's, the David, the paintings, the art in every crevice of this place, that what was calling me home within my soul had less to do with my i.d. and more to do with my gift on this earth: drawing.

this was deep. for the first time i didn't feel the weight of what i'd held onto my entire life in the states: being an african american woman. the release of these expectations was a weight off. i'd never felt so light in my life. and i didn't even know i was carrying it, until i left the country. i felt whole. closer to my true self than ever.

do i feel the need to explain i am a proud black woman? no. you all know this.

i guess what i'm getting at is this. finally.

had i not experienced this, i don't know how long it would have taken for me to have opened my horizons when it came to the dating game. i now was completely open to the idea that the person i may fall in love with could be anyone from anywhere. i was secretely hoping at this point, i'd meet a lonely italian man of 6.0' in new york who needed help with his english on the subway.

unfortunately that didn't happen. what did happen was that a number of circumstances led me back to Portland Oregon where i've lived now since 2007. i spent 2004 - last May as a single woman. last May, i met my current partner Scott. now, would i ever have imagined myself dating a Scott 10 years ago? Not a chance. Just on complexion alone i would have looked the other way. Not this time. Love struck and i fell for this man shortly after we met. we've been together now 10 months. shortly after we started dating i learned something i did not even see coming. he was half black. i knew there was a mix of something (jewish i thought?) but i was wrong. he was mixed, like me.

and he, Scott, is currently (literally as i write this) building a library in Dogon Country, Mali Africa where he visits every few years. the work he does www.earthenhand.com has truly revolutionized my way of thinking. he has been such an inspiration in my life, i can't begin to tell you.

elated by the irony most: (that i wasn't focused on looking for a black man when i found the one i'm with now), i write all this today just to share a little about what brought me to a place in my life where i was able to wash away of the expectations of self (bag lady) and others, and open up to new possibilities.

and the story continues...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhqq77L8ukE

"when we look at a person we just see the color of their skin, but when you get to know someone and they become your friend you get to see their soul. and our souls are all colors." -paraphrase from Tech realworld hawaii

bless!