Finding a good sister friend is very much like searching for the right man to come into your life...you know, one that completes you, makes you feel special, listens to you, celebrates your accomplishments, and can offer up wise advice when needed. Well, just like it is hard to find a good man these days, it is just as hard to find a good sister friend too. So many women are very unhappy and when it comes to growing a friendship there gloomy glow can quickly put a damper on your life, your growth, and your happiness!
Just as you would when searching for that right guy, it is important to know that you have to look for similar characteristics when looking for a real friend. You would not go to a club looking for Mr. Right, so you should not find yourself in unfamiliar territory looking for friends that you hope will share your same interests in the long run. Just as you would not share everything about your life on the first date with a man, nor should you tell all your business to another woman when you first meet. It's all about baby steps ladies, and like we are hesitant to use the word love too quickly with our men, we should take the same precaution in using the word “friend”!
3 Important Things To Consider When Looking For A Good Friend:
Is She Happy: Make sure that your potential friend is happy with her life, especially within her own relationships, and especially within the love category. An unhappy woman will not make a good friend nor will she offer up wise and genuine advice when you need it the most.
Similar Lifestyles: Many times we have those we call friends that we grew up with but then due to life changes and growth, we just tend to grow apart. It is very unhealthy to try to maintain these type of friendships because you both will always find yourselves in a state of uncomfortable compromise. She will not understand your choices and vice versa, so be sure to grow your friendships with the thought in mind of similar life structures, it will save you a lot of drama and emotions!
What's Her Philosophy: Do your friends carry the same life philosophies as you do? If not then they cannot offer you much growth and will in return most likely try to keep you posted at her level or there will always be a one sided battle between who is right and who is wrong.
OK, So, Still Not Sure If You Have A Good Friend? Well...She Might Not Be A Good Friend If...
She Might Not be a Good Friend If: You have just graduated from one level of life to the next. You feel accomplished, your love life is flourishing, your career is going great, and you physically and mentally feel exceptional. So you call up your longtime sister friend to tell her some good news about your new promotion at your job. You are super excited and can't wait to share the news...the phone rings..you spill the beans..and the reply...unsentimental. Yep...She might not be a good friend.
She Might Not Be A Good Friend If: You and your sister friend have been single for what seems to be forever. You both take overwhelming pride in being single sisters on the rise and both agree that you don't need a man to fulfill you. Then you meet the guy of your dreams and while out at brunch at a lovely cafe in the city, he proposes and you feel like floating on water. So, you call up your sister friend to meet up for lunch the next day, you give her the good news, and instead of a congratulations, she finds any and every reason to deter you from going through with it even when she knows this guy is a good catch. Yep...She might not be a good friend.
She Might Not be A Good Friend If: Okay, so let's say she has come to grips that you are getting married to this wonderful guy. Now you start to notice that she seems to be a little flirtatious when around him and seem to talk about him more than anything else. You go to approach her about it and she gets irately upset. Yep...She might not be a good friend.
She Might Not Be A Good Friend If: Your life is pretty complete and you find your sister friend talking about your life more than her own. This is a clear sign that she feels unfulfilled and will slowly lead her down the yellow brick road of jealousy. Yep...She might not be a good friend.
She Might Not Be A Good Friend If: This is similar to the scenario above. You feel quite happy with your life yet most of your conversations with her seem to be all about her. Yes, there needs to be balancement ladies! If your friend spend most of their time talking about and interjecting into your conversations about what she is doing and what she has going on in her life, then it might be safe to say that she is not a bit interested in what you have to offer to her life! Yep...She might not be a good friend.
She Might Not Be A Good Friend If: You have come to really know who you are and who you want to become in life. You change the way you eat, you begin to feel more spiritual, and your ideals on life have started to transform. Your sister friend seems challenged by your new actions and you find yourself at the but of a lot of her sarcastic jokes. This is an obvious sign that this chic does not understand you and will not give in to the direction in which you are growing, nor is she willing to grow with you. Yep...She might not be a good friend.
She Might Not Be A Good Friend If: Your friend seems to be keeping tally of what she has done for you. This would most likely mean that she is only around you because she feels as though she is going to et some type of reward from your lifestyle. Yep...She might not be a good friend.
She Might Not Be A Good Friend If: She is always comparing your kids to each other. Whether good or bad: “Oh I wish my kids we're more like yours” or “You know, you should think about putting little bobby in a private school like my Joey...he's so bright”. Now you are sitting there thinking well, my kid is perfectly “bright”...what's her deal”. This chic here is trying to keep up with some level of life, and most likely she is not happy in either situation, whether she is comparing her own child to yours or vice versa. Yep...She might not be a good friend.
She Might Not Be A Good Friend If: She is always telling you what you should be doing even when she is not doing one iota of it herself. Now this should be an obvious one, but so many of our friends seem to always give the proper advice, yet they are not taking the time to talk to themselves about growing their own lives. Yep...She might not be a good friend.
“What's your take on looking for a good friend. Have you lost a friendship due to different lifestyles? Are you still searching for a genuine friend or have you already found them? Share your comments on friendship below!”
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Maturing
A lot of times, when one friends begins to grow and mature they also expect their friends to travel the same progression, however, we are on different paths and if we are truly friends, we should be able to separate without hard feelings being that we understand that it is where we are at this point in our lives at the moment. Some sisters/friends are not able to be 100% and have that down to earth conversation without feelings being hurt.
Me, myself I've been going through a similar situation and I've learned that it's best to keep in mind the way I want to be treated and so I try my best to demonstrate the same actions taken during any interactions with that person.
In my lifetime, I've been severely hurt by friends and I've just recently been able to admit to those feelings. There isn't one person on God's green earth that can say they never ever felt disappointed, because a friend or associate let them down. We have to be so careful in the way, we allow our emotions to get involved. It is not easy to realize that a connection, you made over a period of years has to end because you've outgrown one another. But as we age, our knowledge and wisdom is enhanced, therefore, we must examine those inner circles to determine if the connection is still strong enough to peruse to that next level of friendship.
I truly connected with each and every point in this post
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage~Maya Angelou
good sistahs open up your heart to healthy relationships!
Good friends are so hard to find! When you dont have that sistah pal that you can relate to, you really feel a void in your life. Sometimes we become content with allowing not so healthy relationships with other women into our lives. ...But c'mon girl, just because we may lack someone who really understands us, doesnt mean we have to settle for a "not-so-good" friends. Friends reflect the type of person you are or want to be. Its true...once we reach a certain age it may be harder to find friends. I KNOW!
Just do stuff that you like to do...you'll find a good friend, just like someday everyone finds a good man, (ok, not really). But if you remain positive, people will notice! Potential "positive" friends.
QGoddess
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Great article!
I have had the same best friend since I was 13 and this article reminds me how much I love her..
On the flip side, I have had quite a few of the other type of sistah, the one that will flirt with your man or someone you like, constantly try to point out your flaws to make you feel bad about yourself, and shut down anything positive you are trying to do. I learned to let go of those women and love them from a distance.. they need healing. I have also attracted quite a few positive sistahs in my life, it seems like the more I grow the more like minded women I attract. Give thanks for that.
"Doing what you always did will get you what you always got"
-unknown
So True!!
I had this friend/fellow college student that I hung out with a lot. She would call me everytime she needed a girlfriend to be the "other girl" if her date brought a friend, she would call me to go to the club, she would call me to... just hang out all the time. After a while, it seemed like we were joined at the hip and we almost mirrored each other. I started to see her at school at the time, after school, and at night... Then I noticed that I allowed her to overshadow my individualality(sp?). After a while, I got a boyfriend that I was really into. I noticed there was something strange when I spoke to her about some issues I had in my relationship and her solution was to cheat on him and not worry about it. I didn't pay much attention to it, but when I decided to examine myself and my life thus far, I noticed that she was a common denominator to my waisted time. Not that it was her fault, just that it was mine for allowing it to carry on. When I started to part myself from her, she was so forceful in getting me to hang out. She would email me, text me, call me, call my job, and have a friend call me that we both knew. It must have took me a good few months to fully remove her from my system and just realize that we can't be for "me" to grow. It's crazy, cause I seen her not too long ago and found out that she now has a son and realize that my life could have been the same as her's. Now, I'm looking for a much better friend.
ooooo u just don't know....
I am so thankful to the most high for touching ur heart to post this. i have be having a never ending battle with this topic. When I decided to get in touch with my African roots and become holistic a lot of my gilfrens that I have known for years have turned their noses up. I have tried sooo heart to not sweat the small stuff I mean opposites attract? Wrong, we are getting further and further away from each other. When i became a doula, nobody gave me a pat on the back ( not that I really needed one, I just would have been nice) instead I am now hearing " no way give me drugs none of that moving around and you can do it naturally, that's for the birds". I am happy I have a pretty good head on or the comments they have been making might have hurt a little nor than they did. thank you soooo much! i can't wait to email this article to them as see the response. ATTITUDE GYAL
Keeping...
...a friend has always been a challenge for me. While my plate is full with responsibilities to myself, family, and profession, it's hard to find the time to meet the emotional needs/expectations of the sisters I come across. I give what I can, which has apparently been too little. And, these have either ended with contempt, resentment or dissipated with time. On the other hand, I know some wonderful sisters who are just as busy as I am and we lament the time we don't make for each other, cherishing the moments on the phone as we plan that visit....which never takes place. I am searching for a genuine bond with a sister, but I'm starting to wonder if what I wish for is just a 'fantasy'. In any case, these tips provide a wonderful starting point for me as I begin to reach out and fill the void.
Good Tips for us Sistahs
We are moving into new times now and trying to shed our old and worn out ways of approaching sisterhood.
I wrote a couple of blogs about my past experiences about relationships i've had with sistahs. Since then i have consulted with an amazing elder and we spoke extensively on sisterhood. Some good things she pointed out are:
1. To explore what makes me happy and pursue it so that i feel whole. That way i will not expect to feel fulfilled from anyone outside of me and not be as hgighly effected if it turns out that a sistership does not work out.
2. To have faith and trust my path. The sister that are meant to be in my path and join my circle will reveal themselves. I will then feel fulfilled without having to seek it in someone i know may not provide it. The Sistah and i will already have love and support that we can share amongst ourselves.
I have followed these 2 excellent pieces of advice and since then have healed immensely by pursuing my life passions and trusting that i will attract true,wholesome sistahs to my circle. Since then i must say that i have much more to offer my sisters and have also made new sister-bonds. There is one particular sister who is a true light of my life - we just hit it off from the beginning and our sistership has continued to excel.
Also, one last point. This shows the amazing role that elders play in helping to heal us in general and as sisters. We need to include more of the elders in our life affairs.
Needed Advice
Some of those points about friends really touched home for me. I am in a different point in my life where I am growing and learning a lot about myself. Sometimes I feel like a couple of my friends can't handle the changes in my life so they are negative. I finally learned that if I want growth in 2009 I have to either let some people go or not discuss my goals and the changes I'm going through with them. I absolutely love who I am becoming and the talents I have that I didnt know I had!!!!!
Positive is how I live
Good post
Although I don't think my sister friend needs to complete you. In order to have any type of relationship with someone it takes 2 whole people. Completion of ones self starts and ends with yourself. I have friends on different levels... There are some friends I can go out to eat with every once in a while and may call them maybe once a month to catch up. Then I have friends I help out a lot through a listening ear and talk to frequently but we don't hang out a lot. I have my bestfriends Mandy and Danylle who both live in different states we don't talk everyday but when we do it's a marathon about whats going on. I have my church friends who I fellowship with at church and sometimes after church. I have my inner circle of I talk to just about on a daily basis and the person is not even female.
Some of the thing about the sister not being a good friend I agree with but also disagree with. If I have a friend who is negative about relationships when I talk about mine. I know the next time I talk what not to bring up or if she opens the door to talk about relationships I can offer some advice or if need be set her straight. It doesn't really make her a bad friend that she's negative about relationships, but if she tries to destroy or sabbotage my relationship now thats a bad friend.
Some friends I can talk relationships with some I will never mention it around them, some people I can talk about church with and some of them I'll only pray for. Not all of my friends are on the same spiritual, educational, or mental status (lol) that I'm on but I still call them my friends. So, when I'm down about someone who mistreated me I know not to call Tam because she'll solve it by going to cut some folks for less than nothing. So, I call Mikey or Keli to offer a word of encouragement.
~MoZaic
www.myspace.com/wordsinger
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (KJV)