“There are not enough good men, because there are not enough good women”
Black women in todays world are more independent than ever before, or ever allowed for that matter, but is this independent attitude causing problems between the black woman, the black man, and the black child:
You hear it all the time: “I'm A Strong “Independent” Black Woman”, “I Can Do Bad All By Myself”, or “I Do For Self”, or the most common: “I Don't Need A Man”, or maybe it's “God Is My Man”. So with all of these statements of how independent our black women are becoming, and how many of us have seem to have made a pact with mainstream America to do for self, where does this leave our black men? How do you suppose they are feeling in todays world? There is no doubt that Black men in America & within the world, have one of the hardest times maintaining their power, strength, talents, and identity due to continuous degradation, castration, and ridicule, oh yes, it's still happening! Our men and our boys are under constant surveillance and are under constant attack to keep them mentally sedated and unproductive(especially in our school systems), yet our black women seem to complain more to our men on what they are not doing instead of saying to ourselves “What Do “I” Need To Do?”, or “How Can “I” Help You?”, or “Brotha, How Did The World Treat You Today?”. Would it be wrong to step up to the plate first? Is our pride overflowing so much that we do not care enough to be the Isis of the black family and help put our men back together?
Many leave the responsibility of changing how society views our men and how our men treat us solely for our men to bear, as if to say “You Figure It Out, While I Sit Here & Wait”. We are not realizing or do not want to bear the fact that we as black women hold a great, if not greater responsibility to change how our men are seen within the world, how they treat us, and what standards they live by throughout their lives. Some of our women expect the equal rate of growth from our men of that of white men, not realizing that their rate of growth in this society is highly looked down upon and has & still will go as far as to create a planned regimen on how not to let our men rise to the top again and how they will make it seem as though black women have it all figure out...leaving our men in the shadows(can we say Willie Lynch), and whether you like it or not, it is most definitely true and still in full effect in todays time.
If we do not like the video vixens shaking and faking, then we need to stop asking our men to change first, but start first by asking ourselves, and our women to change. We need to start by raising true Gods & Goddess, educating them in the home, mother to daughter, mother to son. Don't dare let the excuse of not having a father around be the reason for our men and our sons falling into a state of under-appreciation. It is an unfortunate truth that many black women are single, however, this single position again brings up the point of how much our women can make the change that we are yearning for. If you are a single mom, with a boy, instead of holding any out-loud grudges, anger, and hurt that you have towards the boys father, channel it to something more positive, find him someone to look up to, teach him about our great men and what they are capable of achieving. Your son does not need to hear you shouting out how his father is a no good bastard. No matter what he has done to you and them, it is so very crucial that we stop sending our young boys these subliminal and outright messages of how our men are no good or not making enough money. Secondly, if you are a single mom raising a little girl, then take the time to grow her individual spirit of womanhood, set within her the way in which she should carry herself as a well respected and beautiful woman.
Sisters...can you not see, that no matter how you flip it, we hold the key to unlocking the door of crisis that our men and our boys are in? Now don't get it twisted here, I am not saying that our men are not responsible for their actions, but I am damn sure that we are the first element in helping them understand how WE want to be seen by SHOWING them, and not chastising them or pointing the finger, or thinking, they should know what we want.
So I ask you, are you your brothers keeper? Will you take the oath of Isis and take up the responsibility and the will to put our men back together, or will you stand back and leave it up to them when they are at their weakest and under attack?
“But as we said before, there is an art in long range economic planning. You must keep your eye and thoughts on the female and the offspring of the horse and the n-word. A brief discourse in offspring development will shed light on the key to sound economic principles. Pay little attention to the generation of original breaking, but concentrate on the future generation. Therefore, if you break the female mother, she will break the offspring in its early years of development and when the offspring is old enough to work, she will deliver it up to you, for her normal female protective tendencies will have been lost in the original breaking process. For example take the case of the wild stud horse, a female horse and an already infant horse and compare the breaking process with two captured n-word males in their natural state, a pregnant n-word woman with her infant offspring. Take the stud horse, break him for limited containment. Completely break the female horse until she becomes very gentle, where as you or anybody can ride her in her comfort. Breed the mare and the stud until you have the desired offspring. Then you can turn the stud to freedom until you need him again. Train the female horse where by she will eat out of your hand, and she will in turn train the infant horse to eat out of your hand also. When it comes to breaking the uncivilized n-word, use the same process, but vary the degree and step up the pressure, so as to do a complete reversal of the mind. Take the meanest and most restless n-word, strip him of his clothes in front of the remaining male n-words, the female, and the n-word infant, tar and feather him, tie each leg to a different horse faced in opposite directions, set him a fire and beat both horses to pull him apart in front of the remaining n-word. The next step is to take a bull whip and beat the remaining n-word male to the point of death, in front of the female and the infant. Don't kill him, but put the fear of god in him, for he can be useful for future breeding.” `- excerpt from the Willie Lynch Letter.
Sisters, Have You Been Broke?
Flipping the Script
Solidarity has destroyed the black community. Women refusing to prosecute men, in the justice system, is a byproduct of that Willie Lynch letter. Women beating up each other is a byproduct of it. Women pretending that the same stuff that happens to men outside of the home doesn't happen to us is a byproduct of that letter. Women not realizing that effects of the past hundred years cannot be fixed by preaching the same sermons to each other that were preached during those years, with horrible results; that will just be a damn shame. It will continue to destroy men. We have over a century of information telling us that the respect garnered by a girl child will determine the strength of a family and determine the strength of a man.
Setting the example for how you should be treated means combating mistreatment in the courts and in popular culture regarding yourself. Respect will not come through distractions of "a community."
It means identifying true brothers and sisters through their behavior. I don't need someone to tell me what my brain already figured out. I have had people who call others names and degrade them approach me with a different attitude, after I ignored their ignorance. That does not mean that they get to jump five squares ahead from step one because they know how to act around a particular person. If we flip the script, eventually, they will know how to be kind to all types because they carry themselves with respect. That is not possible for boys to do when we bring them into this climate, convincing them that power lies within themselves alone in a world which shows them how powerless they are. Your being is power, and that is not just because of your connection to a man. Power is what we are and what we continue to run away from. The truth? The truth is that the way black women are treated will determine the mortality of black men.
What would actually produce good results?
I cannot live my life and grow as a person if I dedicate my time to enabling other people. My goal is to grow and share what I know, and to congregate with people who edify and help me in that process. I think black women will most be helped by the knowledge that it is necessary to put themselves first. It is beyond okay to live without rescuing other people. Some people are ready to stand by your side for what is right, and those that aren't ready can be more helped by seeing you as an untouchable example then by having the ability to leech off your self sacrifice. We need to have compassion for one another as women, and realize that every human being deserves the right to speak for themselves and their rights without having to water down truth to cater to over sensitive egos.
I have never seen a spoiled child evolve. People only respect those who demand respect. I suggest we demand, not through confrontation, but, by excluding all except those who are respectful persons and venues. It works. And, time honored traditions have not worked. Time has proved that raising girls and loving boys only benefits the girls. Eventually, those girls will wake up and move out. So, what happens to the boys then?
Men and women love people who are treated well. They don't love people who ask them to treat them well. They don't love people who scream or educate them into treating them well. The catalyst is whether or not you are already there. Are black women treated well? Who is preaching on behalf of them? Do black women even address issues which directly affect them and trickle down to destroy their people? How do they approach issues of molestation? What double standards exist for black girls who are "too fast" or "too experienced" that don't exist for little girls link Benet Ramsey? What happens when the fathers of out of wedlock children are adult men impregnating underage children and women sit back and critique how fast the kids are nowadays? The products of those unions end up in jail, the next generation does the same, and no one addresses the root cause as what we've allowed our price to become. That never even enters the landscape of the conversation.
Double standards do not give a man or boy child a chance to earn his respect. In the eyes of our male children, we broadcast how little we think black men are capable of when we choose the most ridiculous opportunities to turn the mirror back on women. Little boys grow to become men who have enough sense to take you at the retail value that you have deemed for yourself. This has happened and will continue unless black women internalize the self worth they would love for others to just give them.
Misogyny in the black community is the biggest challenge to black men, not whether or not black women have negative things to say about them. It's time to stop worrying about whether or not we will be attacked for being fair to ourselves, and just be fair to ourselves.
I'm feeling everyone's response
Hello all my sistah's and particullarly Sistah Ericka who wrote this timely article.
I desire to be supportive of my husband who so happens to by a Yoruba man born and raised in Nigeria; however, I find myself being so very critical when he comes home and vents to me about how people are treating him. I honestly find it hard to believe that everyday people are trying to sabotage him but maybe I'm wrong in feeling this way??? I always propped it up to our cultural differences as I am a west indian through and through and I don't know any west indian who doens't demand respect in one way or another.
But,
Is it really a fact that society and particullarly pig-skinned men try to keep our brownskinned men down daily? I mean I have read about it and believe it in theory but can it be such a struggle for my African (tall, dark, self-confident man) who is going to college full-time and working part-time?? This article made me wonder. The excerpt you included regarding Willie Lynch made me want to slap myself for not being more supportive of my husband. But we have so much history and I find myself at a low point with him. I feel like he is so so so so so so so so so selfish. But, tonight, I'm goint to ask him“What Do “I” Need To Do?”, or “How Can “I” Help You?”, or “Brotha, How Did The World Treat You Today?”. Because I've never asked him this before but you know what no one has asked me that either.
Anyway, on a more general level, I feel that while we must be supportive to our men (husband, lover, bf, uncle, son, father, brother, nephew etc) when does support become enabling... that is my fear... that by having their back; they never change because he think I'm ok with him the way he is. But when Sistah Ericka said: "but I am damn sure that we are the first element in helping them understand how WE want to be seen by SHOWING them, and not chastising them or pointing the finger, or thinking, they should know what we want." I deceded that today I'm stop chastising and pointing the finger at my husband.
But again, This article was great and I think in no way does it ask us not to be strong independent women but rather because we are strong and independent we must now look back and give a helping hand.
We are not looked at as a threat by pig-skinned society and we need to use that to our advantage; they see our men as the threat because they are the muscle (in their minds) but if we would just back up our men (no matter their faults) simply because they are MAN and we are WOMAN (meaning "with man") we can with man reclaim our man's true place in this world.
Disclaimer: even though I totally beleive what I just said in my personal life I don't think I show it like I ought to... any suggestions on who to show my support is always desired.
Change starts within; Today I'm going to make it my job to show my support.
Peace and Blessings
P.S. By the way,Sistah Ericka, could you explain to me what the Oath of ISIS is?
I agree
What's worng with being supportive of our Black Men? You know, we are quick to say what he is doing wrong but VERY slow to give him praise when he does something right. They need our positive reinforcement.
If we come together as Black Women and collectively stand up for each other and stand together, then our men will have a "picture" to go by. We constantly demand respect, yet we don't respect ourselves nor do we give respect. You can not meet a Brother on Monday, sleep with him on Tuesday and wonder why he doesn't call you back on Wednesday. Then when he still has not called you on Thursday, Friday or Saturday, you talk bad about him and every other Black Man. How does that work?
I'm not saying our men have no responsibility. What I AM saying is that we each need to work on ourselves and in the process begin training our children all while encouraging and being supportive of our men.
Yes! what do you do? when
Yes! what do you do? when you have tried all the loving ways '
to assist the man in your life to do better and be a better husband and Father
however his ego keeps getting in the way of Progress and humility is nowhere to be found....
Divine Love
All That You Are ...I Am
Heket Meshkenet Sa Ankh
truth...
I agree with this article and with what the sistas before me said. I watched my mother and stepfather tear each other apart verbally, in front of my brothers and I, to us, and when we weren't around and they thought we didn't hear. My baby brother, I feel, suffered the most. Out of the three of us, he's been in the most trouble. My mother would sometimes tell him what a trouble maker he was, but on the flipside loved him very much and would always tell him that he could do what he put his mind to. My oldest brother never got into as much trouble. We were all loved, but I feel that my brothers mostly got the positive reinforcement that they needed. My baby brother was often told how much of a troublemaker we was also by authority figures. My brother wasn't a trouble maker, he was misunderstood and bored. I understand him more than anybody. While I did rag on him sometimes (okay, a lot), I always tell my brother that I love him. My older brother, too. My stepfather would always put down my baby brother, but it was always my baby brother who was by his hospital bed when he was sick. I refused to do it because he didn't fail to maliciously tell me one afternoon when I asked him to spend the day with him and my brothers, that I wasn't his child. A fact that I had come to terms with years prior, but he never treated me before with such contempt. Now he wants to spend time with me and go out to eat the 4 of us. Him, my brothers and me. My oldest brother wasn't able to go because he was away at college. Despite all these things, my brothers are two of the most respectful gentlemen I know. I use my oldest brother as a measuring stick against all others and it is his opinion that matters to me when it comes to who I am dating, etc.
In any case, we need to help build our brothers up instead of tearing them down like the article said. Personally, I do ask my SO if I can help him or if there is anything I can do for him. Even if I might put myself in a mild jam or so, I don't mind helping him.
Peace.
I Overstand
rmfinn: I follow the lines you are saying, but while yes, I do think that our men are responsible for their actions, I do however feel that black men are looked at and have always been looked at as a "threat" and are constantly treated unfairly. Black women can only help them and their esteem by being of support, and moreover, help in setting the example to our young sons on how our women & men should be treated by playing the part, and like the article said, many women are single, which leaves many of us in a position to teach our boys ourselves, and what exactly is so wrong with asking a brotha "How Did The World Treat You Today"? I don't think the point is that we need to teach men how to be men...I think the point here is that we need to be supportive and just offer respect...give, and you shall recieve!
Faulty Logic
“Brotha, How Did The World Treat You Today?” What?!?
The idea that black women need to show black men how to treat them and how to be men is ridiculous. If you follow this logic isn't it up to black men to show black women how to be? Faulty logic. People have to take responsibility for themselves and be responsible for their behavior. We all have have respect for ourselves and that is a personal battle/quest/odyssey that everyone must undertake on their own. This has to occur before you can extend yourself to anyone else. Black women have to stop making excuses for men and men have to stop making excuses for themselves. Yes there must be mutual respect and understanding, but not in a way that puts the onus of EVERYTHING on women. Ultimately, that's what's happening between us now. Men have to teach each other just like women have to teach each other. We all have a role in each other's lives but not as enablers or 'excuse-makers'. This is offensive to me and saddens me and makes me feel like this sort of thinking, which I believe is the pervailing logic of the community, is part of the problem. No doubt most will disagree with me, but I stand firm...
Peace
I do think that alot of us have given up on our black men. Sometimes it seems easier to just do it all ourselves than to try and get a man to do things. I think however that many of our men have become emasculated to do the fact that WE make sure they know we can do without them. They need to feel loved and indeed needed...it is true that we CAN handle things ourselves..we are women warriors, but we need our brothers and they need us as well. It is a cycle that is going to take some time to break. There will be anger, tears & frustration.
If we can't save this generation, we must look to the future generations. Like the Willie Lynch letter stated, but instead we can build up and not tear down.
I don't completely agree
When I ask my father to help me fix my tire and change the oil on my car or to help me move, basically his response is "do it yourself." I think women are just responding to how we've been treated. We do it ourselves because sometimes men just don't want to. They don't want to work. So we work ourselves. Sometimes they don't want to be taught, because then it comes back that you're trying to "make him a punk." Sometimes men only want to be men when it's convenient for him, not when we need him to be. My motto is if they can't or won't do it right, I'll do it myself. Yes, I do believe sistas have given up, but that's because our brothas gave up a long time ago. It takes alot of humility if they want to be taught. And some think that humility makes you a wimp. So, I would love to help my brothas out. But if they don't want help...what do you do?