Oh what a journey I have been on these past two weeks! I was really just sitting with my decision to go home. As I sat with it, it became more and more solid. I love New York, and I've always wanted to come here. What I realized after I arrived and began to make a life for myself was that this was satisfying a part of myself that hadn't grown up yet. My 23 year old self who never got her shot at the "big city" had been kicking and screaming within me. When she got what she needed, she was still, and I could see things for what they were.
I took a serious look at my life. I asked myself, if I want kids in the next 2 years, will I be stable enough in this new place to provide them with the life I'd want my family to have? The answer was no. I looked at my artist self: It takes so much money and energy to survive in New York, my art had really been put on the back burner. All my money went to necessities like rent, so I never had any money left over for my supplies. And dance class? Forget about it. Artistically, I was wound into this tight, rusty little spring. And I looked at the type of artist I am. I thought I wanted to be some type of big millionaire New York artist, but what I realized is that I'm an artist very much rooted in her community, and that is what inspires me most. I of course want to make money doing what I love, but I also want to have a meaningful impact on my surroundings. I realized that I could do everything I wanted and more back home. I came out here to grab the brass ring, only to realize that just wasn't me. I just had a huge priority shift, and saw the most joyful vision of my life. It actually occurred one drizzly day as I was at a bank uptown, waiting to be called into the office for a job interview. I saw myself back home, with children of my own, and teaching. I saw myself showing work around the Bay, and doing a series of nature based installations. I saw myself having a positive impact on the cultural landscape of my home. After I had this vision, I giggled and smiled through most of the interview, knowing I was going home and seeing so clearly a path the Creator laid out for me, one where I could use all of my gifts for positivity, and not just the monetary gain of a company.
The vision that day was like a lightning rod. I began to study for my teaching credential test, and research the process. I began formulating a plan to head home, but I didn't know how or when it would happen. As the days dragged on, I began to get scared. I wasn't making enough money at the grocery store to save a single dime for my journey, and business was slow so they were starting to lay folks off. I was so scared I was even scared to pray, because I had no idea what to pray for. I felt hemmed in by my lease with 8 months left, the prospect of having no money to ship my art home with...everything. Codi encouraged me to simply come home. "If we're together, we'll have a stronger foundation to sort this out. Don't be afraid." But I was.
Christmas was coming, and Codi was on his way for New Year's. I longed to just pack and leave with him, but I knew that was a crazy thought. He wasn't coming until a couple days after Christmas, so I knew I would be spending Christmas alone for the first time in my life. But I loved the idea! I had two days off, and I was just going to spend them at home, relaxing, reading, and painting. I bought all sorts of groceries: fish, juice, fresh fruits and veggies...I was looking forward to this time of rest. Then as I was ironing before work on Christmas eve morning, I blew a fuse. I called the building's maintenance man, no answer. Called the property management company, no one was there. And no one picked up their "emergency" line either. I was in the dark. I knew the fuse box was most likely in the building's basement, but the thought of going down there terrified me. We have a serious rat problem in that basement, and I'm deathly afraid of them. In fact, when you open the door to the basement, you can smell the carcasses of dead rats. There was just no way. I called the maintenance man again, and his associate answered, saying that he was filling in for our guy while he was in Jamaica. He said he would come and fix the fuse later that day. He never did, and that was the last time I heard from him. I spent Christmas with no power, and all my groceries spoiled. That was it for me. Frustration pushed out any ounce of fear I had left. I called Codi and told him I would be leaving with him. I called the management company and told them what I had been through (I finally got someone on the phone after two days without power!) and that I would be vacating at the beginning of the month. There was negligence on their part, so hopefully they'll let me go without a fight.
And if not? That's where my fear began to set in, because I'm not used to asserting myself in such a way. At worst, I would be back home and paying that rent until someone else rented the place out. I was scared about that part, and then I remembered something financial guru Suze Orman says at the end of each show: "People first, then money, then things." And my well being is worth more than any amount of money, and money should never make me afraid. So whatever happens, I'll face it. But I'll face it with my love by my side and family and friends close by to support me. At the end of the day, that's what matters most.
All in all, New York has been an amazing experience. I got to live my dream. And at the same time, my timing wasn't the best with the recession hitting hard. A lot of job prospects dried up, arts budgets especially are being slashed, and it's a tough time to go to an entirely new place with no support system. But I learned so much about myself in the process, so I'm thankful for that.
Now I'm not scared and I know exactly what to pray for: a smooth transition back to where I started from.