Well that's how I feel, at least. The current is rushing all around me, going in a direction, and I'm just standing still. So the name of the game for me right now has been to maintain and keep my balance. I keep trying to change my circumstances. Financially things have been tough, and my mother helps me out a little each month, and that makes me cringe because I've always been very independent, and I pride myself on being able to take care of myself. We had a long talk yesterday about not being ashamed of asking for help, and how it wouldn't be this way forever. I apply to all these different jobs and go on interviews hoping to land something better for myself, and I get passed over every time. For whatever reason, now just isn't the time to make the change, and I haven't learned all I need to learn yet from my present circumstances. What I'm learning from my present situation is that I'm stronger than I ever knew. As I prepared to move out here, people said I wouldn't be able to handle it. People said I was too nice and too naive to move to a place like New York, they said I would never be able to stand the winter after living in California my whole life. But it's now December, and here I am!
Somehow, I like the cold. It's like nothing I've ever experienced. Feeling the wind whip around my body is exhilarating. It's a side of mother nature I was never able to see. Earlier this week after yet another job interview, I detoured through Central Park on my way to the subway, intruigued by the golden leaves that covered the ground, and the breeze whipping the now bare trees. I wandered over to the pond in the middle of the park, and noticed the water looked funny somehow. I walked across the pond's bridge and stood in the center. The pond couldn't be frozen, could it? I stared hard and still couldn't believe my eyes until I saw a leaf skitter across the ice. I was enchanted. I had always loved New York in the summer time, but the fall and winter have turned out to be just as exquisite. Every day as I walk through the cold, I smile.
And speaking of smiling, being my sunny California self hasn't caused me any trouble here in New York. Most people I encounter throughout the day are refreshed, or simply surprised to encounter a happy and smiling person. The most common thing they say is, "you're not from around here, are you? You've got to be from somewhere else." My sunny disposition has helped keep me grounded in this new place, to look at the big picture and count my blessings even when I get frustrated. Things aren't perfect, but they could be a lot worse!
So as I stand in the middle of the river, I'm simply trying to cultivate a healthy mindset, and maintain myself physically and spiritually. I've been praying and setting up my altars (so far one for Osun and one for Eleggua), and creating lots of healthy dishes to eat (last night was fish soft tacos topped with sunflower sprouts and avocado), and thanks to my job at the health food store, trying lots of new produce (so far my favorites are watermelon rashes and starfruit). Basically I'm just working on being whole, and putting a lot of old demons and issues to rest.
And I'm happy to say Codi is finally getting his job transfer, so he will be here pretty soon. We're both so excited about starting this new chapter of our lives together. We're tossing around wedding ideas (I want a small frugal ceremony so we can have a honeymoon in Brazil *smile*), and have decided we want to start our family in 2 years. What coming here helped me come to realize was, wherever you go in life, it's only half of what it should be if the one you love isn't there. After I came to this realization, I told him quite simply: If your transfer doesn't come through, I'll pack my bags and come back. If you decide you want to move to Antarctica or someplace, I'm going with you. And it's the truth. Being here in this space with time to myself really aligned that for me.
So basically I'm just taking each day as it comes, enjoying it, and waiting for things to happen. I applied to New York City Teaching Fellows, so hopefully I'll hear back from them. I just feel like as spring comes on, things are going to open up and until then, I just have to hold on. What I understand now is that my joy and my destiny comes from within. It's not wrapped up in any single place I live, or job I land. It comes from inside me.