I have been accused of racism and adultery over and over again in these last weeks. Not by strangers but by the man who I shared most of my adult life with. A man that I trusted with my mind, body and soul the father of my sons once my soul mate now seemingly my foe.

I have no idea where we went wrong, no idea how things could have gotten so out of hand that now not only are we separated he also made the decision not to see his sons anymore. There were signs that things were off ever since I started living a holistic life and dropped all excess weight. I started noticing that he was tracing my every move, I would go to my friend and a few minutes later he would be there as well, I would go to the store not even 10 minutes away and before I even reached he'd call me. He came home for lunch everyday at first I thought it was to rekindle our passion but after a few days I noticed that it wasn't to spend time with me but to make sure that I was in the house alone with our little one. He would read my mail, open letters, check my cellphone, get angry with me if someone called and would hang up in his ear or he would not hear anyone when picking up the phone, this is nothing new long distance phone calls can be disconnected.

I have been feeling tired and lost for some time now and I have been pleading for some alone time away from the boys and him. I just needed to catch my breath so to speak and come back refreshed and ready to face everyday battle of motherhood/illness and all other every day struggles. Because he has to go to Pittsburgh again I asked if he could go in May and when he came back he has a long vacation anyway so I thought this might be the perfect time for me to go home to Suriname to visit my parents go to the rain forest and recharge. I suggested that and he blew up majorly! I was accused of all things sneaky, evil and mean things that in all of our years together had not ever crossed my mind. I cried and asked him why he would even think this I was just tired and needed to feel the sun and just be home surrounded by my people in the melting pot of what I call home. Not just be surrounded by pale faces to not be a minority but to simply blend into the faces of home, to speak my language and wrap my culture around me like a blanket.

He refused and said that if I needed "me-time" he was not about to babysit for me and if I was "lost" I needed to find me without him. I reminded him that a father taking care of his own youth is hardly babysitting and that if 2 people live in a home together they are responsible for each others peace of mind. I said I felt enslaved that I was just good enough to be his housekeeper, cook, caretaker of the children and whenever he felt like it he was entitled to my body to do as he pleased and roll over. I guess the word enslaved was the wrong word to use, he kept telling me that I was racist and that I did not want to be with him and was trying to leave and that I had planned this.

He left and took every last dime off of our accounts leaving me and the children penny-less confused and heartbroken. I felt empty my parents came the next day on holiday only to find us broken. He went to his mother and I thought that this would be a good thing, he could collect himself and maybe she could reason with him that this did not make sense. Was I not the woman that put him through college, was I not the woman that worked 60 hours a week so he could focus on study, was I not the woman that made love to him in every single corner of our home, the woman that almost died giving birth to his sons, the one that held him in his arms when he was haunted by childhood trauma's of parents dumping him in a state home and never picking him back up??!! I was wrong about his mother being a voice of reason turns out she was the voice of evil, throwing fuel of the flame of his anger. Accusing me of "eating out of 2 pots" and using her sons money. The man was my husband I have no income I did not use his money he was the breadwinner in our home!

I felt so lost and all I could do was snuggle up in my mama's arms and cry. I felt empty, alone, scared and looking at my sons brokenhearted and scared, broke my heart in so many ways I never knew that pain like that existed. Few days later I took a good look at my sons and there they were strong handsome little boys enjoying their time with their grandparents the tracks of their tears had made place for an ear to ear smile. I looked at myself in the mirror 32, 123 pounds, tired, old and pale. I picked up pen and paper and started writing to the disability benefit office and tax office and started applying for benefits for me and my sons, sure I can drag this on and take him to court for alimony. In fact I know that that is what he is counting on, to make this an ugly battle to make me ill again only to slither his way back into our lives and do what he does best taking care of me when I am ill and so dependent that it reassures him that no other man would look at me in that state.

I took a shower, washed my locs, put on my way to big clothes and admitted to myself that every bit of love I ever felt for this man had been replaced with pity. I pity him for not seeing how much I gave, how much I loved how much I cared for him. I feel free, the shackles of his distrust and anger are off. I can hold my head up high and say I have given my all to you now it is time to give my all to me and my boys and never ever allow you to enslave me again.