Thank you for your encouragement and all the love you have shown me. Even though I am physically tired, mentally and emotionally I feel more charged and alive than I have felt in a very long time. My heart breaks for my sons but as they say in my homeland "wan ogri tyari wan boen" something ugly has brought something good, my father turn out to be a man that I can trust and depend on he has taken over the father role for my sons and makes sure that their wellbeing is met both emotionally and financially. He is leaving in May and we decided that it would be best if he took my youngest one with him. A change of scenery will do him a world of good, and he will be surrounded by family members that have nothing but his best interest at heart.

I decided to enter Gateway 1 (Sacred woman) sacred words, I felt so much anger and said so many horrible (all true) things to my ex and his mother it sickened me that those words left my mouth. I realized that words can be just as enslaving as situations, and can hurt others as much as a whip.

Mentally my ex is in a very bad place and sadly enough his mother is feeding his craziness, I refuse to be pushing and poking him to the edge. I pray that he will recover, find peace of mind and realize that his sons need him as he needs them. I am leaving things as is financially and decided to rent a city box to store his stuff. I cannot be confronted with them daily when I walk into our closet but I cannot do as I was advised and throw away his things. All his diploma's, papers, clothing and shoes are still here and throwing them away might be the thing that pushes him off the edge forcing him to self harm.

I am picking up the pieces and I am claiming back my womanhood little by little day by day. There is a chapter in "the art of being a goddess" called Your body is a temple and I have taken every word to heart. I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and realized that I had neglected my body for years. I am not the kind of woman that is into make-up or fashion but I used to be a woman that always took care of her skin, teeth and body always looking fresh and clean and always dressed in a flattering manner. This description is nothing of how I looked in the last years. I've "let myself go" I thought that I was too old to be bothered with those things. There was always too little money, too little time, too little energy to take care of me. I've realized that my husband wasn't giving me what I needed and deserved because he took the example I gave. Everything and everyone was always more important than I was and I actually justified this behavior, DH and kids deserved new clothes and new shoes more than I did because they went to school and work and who would see me?, MIL needs to see her son and grandchildren so spend the money set aside for self to give to him to travel to her. Grandmother wants to see us so all my savings go into tickets that cost half of my year income. I have no one to blame but myself, I was responsible for this I had decided that I was not worth spending money, love or energy on. This realization empowers me simply because I realized that since I was the one that ordered this tune I was the one that could instruct the orchestra to play a different one.

My father brought me Krapaolie (http://www.rain-tree.com/andiroba.htm) which I have mixed with castoroil and I make sure I oil my body twice a day to make it firm and even toned again. I might even get a little almond oil to make the smell a bit more appealing LOL Yesterday for the first time since ages I went to do my eyebrows just shape them I looked like Ernie (sesame street) , now I look so much younger! I went jeans shopping with my friend I had one pair of jeans which was a size 10/12 and even though i rather wear skirts, in a cold country like the Netherlands a girl should have at least one pair of jeans I turned out to have a size 0/2 which gives you an idea of how horrible my clothes look on me!! I console myself with the thought that as soon as my benefits come in I will treat myself to some new clothing. The jeans were a great start to claim money, time and energy for myself.

My baby brother and I who were always extremely close but lost that closeness after he left his woman and child 3 yrs ago have reconnect and I thank God for giving me back one of the most precious relationships I ever had. He calls me a few times a day and helps where ever he can. I used to be a professional dancer in my late teens and somewhere along the line I've lost my rhythm. As I gained weight I got very selfconsious of my body and my husband just did not allow me to go dancing his jealousy would prevent me even asking if it would be ok to go. Now my Lil brother is a professional salsa dancer and he has made it his task to help me find back my rhythm he is convinced that as soon I find that again I will be whole again. This Saturday will be my "baptism of fire" I will join him and his dance group while they teach a salsa class and after that there were be an opportunity to dance the night away.

Sisters I pray that if you recognize yourself and your relationship with your So or DH in my situation that you will find the courage to change it before it is too late. Do not sacrifice yourself for each and everyone around you! People take example from us when it comes to how they treat us. If you have noticed that your so or DH does not do for you how you would like him to do take a long and hard look at your relationship with self. No man would ever treat you like second class if you treat yourself as first class. No man would dare!

For my family it is too late to patch all that has been said and done but we will be OK I trust in the Lord that he will guide each and everyone of us in this new life.

Blessings,
Chayil