Yesterday night I was sitting on the couch and started inspecting my locs. Basically I neglected them and needed to assess the damage. My locs are full of lint and I started picking out the lint from one of my locs before I knew it I had loose hair!!! I couldn't stop after a few hours the back row of locs where all loose. My grandmother is on her death bed and i am so far away from her I am not physically well enough to travel to Suriname. Somehow taking down locs that my grandmother is so against made me feel like I was still doing something for her. I know that this is silly because grandma will probably never see me with my loose naps again. The process (which will well take a few weeks!) also helps me to let go of all the hangups I still have about my past relationship. His fingers ran through my locs at night and when I was ill he would help me wash and separate, my locs felt like our locs and sometimes just touching them would make my stomach turn. I will miss them they were not mature yet but I had been growing them for the last 7 months they had become a part me. I feel like they did serve a purpose tho they thought me patience and helped me claim my spot as natural woman in the world. Through them I learned to make natural remedies to make my hair thrive, my hair is healthy and full even though I am loosing pounds of shedded hair.

And then there is love, well not love but friendship and definitely a crush from his side, okay i won't lie maybe even from my side but I cannot will not allow myself to even venture to those thoughts. His background (Angolan refugee) his wisdom, his ability to assess my situation and know just how far he can take it in order not to freak me out, his drive to succeed, his hunger for knowledge, his accent (Portuguese dutch sure sounds hilarious), his culture, the color of his skin (the deepest shade of brown I have ever seen) all these things seem to put my soul at ease. I feel like the universe put him on my path to bring things back into perspective (how sorry can one feel for themselves when you meet a soul that is almost alone in the world and still thrives?!!!)

How I met him, dare I say through my son! A week after the horrible episode with their father I took my boys to see their newborn cousin by train. My son (3 yo) was having a conversation with this man about Thomas the train (yes all trains are named after the characters) on the train station. I tried to distract him because I wanted him to stop "harassing" the poor man, but the man smiled at me and said no I like the conversation pls I am learning. I let them be and had a conversation with my eldest, when I heard the lil one tell the man: "my mommy is tired and a bit ill and I am scared to step in the train myself so can you lift me in the train." I never felt more embarrassed in my life! When the train arrived I quickly picked up my baby waved to the man and walked to the nearest door. When I entered the extremely busy compartment he signaled to us he had saved us some seats. He traveled about 6 stations with us and we had fun, my eldest was extremely amused by his accent and my lil one gave him his coloring book to see Thomas the train and instructed him which colors he had to color them. We talked about my country, Portugal (first country that gave him refuge) salsa (I was going to a salsa party that night and my son mentioned it) when he got out I thought to myself: nice man.

I met him again almost on my doorstep turns out he lives in an apartment building behind my home! I was afraid to connect with him but my lil brother forced me out of that guilt/fear he was angry that I wanted to live afraid of what my ex and ex family in law might think if they new I made friends with a man. When they had done everything in their power to break me and chose to distance themselves from the children as if they don't exist anymore. So I am taking his words to heart enjoying my new friendship and in the process learn to speak Portuguese.

"Where God guides, God provides."

Blessings,
Chayil