Today a voicemail from a friend got me thinking about how I handle confrontation and relationships. It takes A LOT to get me angry, I'm usually the type to shrug things off or really try to put myself in the other person's shoes and consider the reasons for their actions. If I do get mad at someone, it's a culmination of wrongdoings, and that takes a long time. I hate getting mad, and I hate arguing. If I'm arguing with someone, my whole body trembles because it's just too upsetting. And normally I just get disappointed more than mad. When I'm disappointed because someone has done me wrong, I tend not to confront them. I hate to tell someone how they've hurt my feelings or messed up. So normally I simply take a vow of silence. I cut that person off, don't talk to them for a long time (usually several months) until I can figure out how to handle the relationship.
The vow of silence is what I've been doing with one of my oldest friends lately. Basically she was dishonest and dragged me into some drama I shouldn't have been a part of. She and I, along with this guy, have been friends since high school. I dated the guy at 15, she dated him at about 20, and the three of us have always remained friends. That changed when a new woman came into his life, one who didn't like his ex girlfriends hanging around. She made that clear, and at first I clashed with her because this was one of my best friends, but after awhile I saw her side of it and thought maybe it was best to let that friendship go. So we've all gone on with our lives, me with art, he and my girlfriend with political activism.
Then when my girlfriend came to visit me, she dropped a bombshell: he had been arrested at a demonstration, and a verdict was being handed down the following week that could send him to jail for a few years. I of course was emotional when she told me this, and I immediately said, "what can I do?" she told me I could be there in the courtroom when the verdict was handed down, she would be there too. Later that night we attended a party, and I watched her move through the party and tell other people the news, and ask them to come to the verdict. So I was definitely thinking it was a "pack the courtroom" situation. I took the following monday off work and drove an hour to the courthouse on the information she had given me. It was the wrong courthouse. I called her, and she came and picked me up. We drove around and fortunately I spotted him and his girlfriend crossing the street to the correct courthouse, or I doubt we would have found it. As we headed to the courthouse, my friend chuckled and said, "revenge of the exes!" By this time, I knew something was wrong. I wasn't there for revenge or to show anybody up, I was looking to support a friend. When we arrived in the waiting area, the only people there were my friend, his mother, his girlfriend, and a couple of witnesses directly involved in the case. Definitely not a pack the courtroom situation. That's when I knew I'd been had. I decided to make the best of it. After the verdict was read (guilty), everyone regrouped to get the word out to the media. I helped with the effort, made some phone calls and emails. After that day we kept in touch, I sent him information on events and ways to get his case publicized.
About a month later I got a cryptic email that was clearly his girlfriend posing as him. The style of writing was different, and everything was misspelled, something he doesn't do. It simply said not to email anymore, or show up at anymore of the hearings and events, as it was disrespectful to their relationship. I responded and said I was sorry if I had upset anyone, that I was led to the hearing under false pretenses, and they would never see or hear from me again. And that was that.
But then there was my girlfriend. I felt so betrayed by her. She was dishonest. She had gotten his hearing information through a third hand source (which is why it was inaccurate) and just decided to show up, but had dragged me into the fray as well. And on top of that, it had stirred up some super old drama that had been dead for years. I was disappointed in her, because this was someone I trusted, and I felt I couldn't trust her anymore. She played on my emotions and wasted my time.
So now when she calls, I don't answer the phone. I always feel like, what could I say? How could I trust anything she says? She leaves me messages saying things are reaching a critical point in our friend's trial and I need to call her back, but I'm out of that now. I know our friend's girlfriend has let her know she's not wanted around, but she's a bit more relentless about that sort of thing than I am, and will fight to stay in the picture, digging up information on his whereabouts and doing whatever she must to stick around. It's a complete mess I no longer care to be involved in.
But she still calls me. Part of me feels bad because we've been friends for so long. Another part of me says let her go because I'm in a different space now and she's trying to drag me backward. So for now, I'm silent. I just let the phone ring.