Well, this evening, or rather, at 12am this morning, my mate of 5 years left me. How did all this come about? It's still a blur I'm trying to make sense of, but I can't sleep so I thought I'd try to write about it. I noticed him becoming distant when my plans to leave for New York became more definite. We had talked about us both moving out there, and he just wanted to save extra money for a year, then he was ready to go. As the weeks went on, that began to shift. I asked him so many times, "are you sure this is what you want?" He always assured me it was, and said that when he says he's going to do something, he does it. His track record gave me no reason to doubt him. But his behavior had myself and all of our friends wondering. They would take me aside and ask, "are you sure he's going to join you?" And I said I was simply taking him at his word. But the past two weeks were hard on both of us, and that's when things began to unravel.
A week or so ago I started a temp job, and it took a minute for my paycheck to be processed and all. During this wait, the rent due date came and went. Now rent was due plus a late fee, and I didn't have enough. On top of that there were a couple other bills overdue because funds were lacking. It really got down to the wire, we were even served an eviction notice. I was able to borrow money from my mother, my check finally came through, and everything ended up being fine, but it was a very stressful time. During that period, whenever I tried talking about our situation or how I felt, he began yelling at me, saying I was stupid with money. I admitted my mistakes, but that didn't seem to satisfy him. Something was wrong.
He stayed at his grandmother's house yesterday night, which is nothing out of the ordinary--he often stays over to help her around the house. I thought nothing of it. Then in the morning he called and said we needed to have a talk.That lead to a very anxious day for me at work.
After we got off work we went for a walk, which started off badly. He began picking at me and saying I was too caught up in producing good quality art, which meant I would never make any money at it. I disagreed with him, and he began to snap at me. I said, "fine, change the subject. What did you want to talk about?" He went on to tell me that the past week had left him physically, emotionally, and financially drained. I told him I felt the same way. He then went into how much I screwed up this week, how I always screw up and say I'm going to change, but don't make any progress. He said that because I'm no good with money, "don't clean up" (something I disagree with), and "don't cook", he "can't lead a happy life with me". He said he needed some space and was going to stay at his grandmother's for a few days. I think I would have taken this news better had he not started off by listing off all the ways I was a screw up and to blame for his problems. I was also upset because I'm leaving in 2 months, and this should have been quality time for the two of us. I told him I knew he was pulling away all along, and that if he was trying to break up he should do it. He kept insisting he just needed time. We argued through most of the walk, with him insisting I would never change, and although I said I was making progress in my life, he didn't see any results.
I was so upset, and trying not to cause a huge scene or say something I would regret. I began to walk ahead of him. WAY ahead of him. Finally I calmed down and sat down on a bench to wait for him. He came and sat next to me, silently fidgeting with his clothes and whatnot. I knew he didn't want to be there. So I asked him, "why are you sitting with me?" His answer was, "because you have the car keys." At that point I got up, my emotions boiling over, I began to walk fast, then I began to run (And then ran into Achi, which was comforting).
When we got back home later he left for grandmother's house, but before he did, he gave me an ultimatum: Clean up this house or I'm leaving you. Please note: I do not keep the house a pigsty. It's a typical house, clean in the main areas, with clutter in corners, junk in the closets, and dishes in the sink. I make an effort to keep things neat, but sometimes I'm tired. After 5 years I found that a horribly stupid and insulting ultimatum, but I could deal with it. Since it was 10pm, I vowed that Saturday morning I would get up and put away the clothes in the closet, and wash the dishes (his two main peeves) so everything would be good when he returned. At 12am I heard a key in the door. I thought he'd had a change of heart. Instead, he barged in and said, "we're finished, I want my computer." He literally reached around me (I was on the computer) and began yanking plugs out of the wall. I asked him to stop and think, told him what he'd said about taking a few days. "Nope, I'm done," he said matter of factly. He began taking stuff down to his car. At first, I cried. I couldn't believe what was happening. Then I managed to sit him down and talk, but he wouldn't budge. I talked about all we'd been through, how we first met, our plans for the future, and he dismissed them. Then proceeded to yell at me about the mistakes I'd made over the week and how I was messing his life up. At that point something inside me took a step back. I saw myself crying and saying over and over that I knew I was stupid and screwed up, when I'd just gotten to a place of clarity and release--accepting the lesson in a mistake but not holding on to the guilt or shame. And here I was professing my stupidity to this person to reassure him. When he took more things to the car, I got up and began taking his posters and belongings off the walls. If he wanted to go, I wasn't going to disrespect myself any longer to stop him. Upon seeing me take his belongings down, he said, "Wait a minute. There's still a chance I could come back, I just came for the computer!" All this after two hours of him saying there was no chance at all.
He went on to say that maybe there was a chance for us, if I didn't go to New York. "If it's true love, you take a risk", he told me. I felt completely manipulated. I was getting the feeling this had been about me staying home all along. What upset me most was that he couldn't be honest about his true feelings, and picked a fight instead. He told me a couple of days, then barged in like the SWAT team. I was at the end of my rope. 5 years, and he threw it away in 5 minutes. And the only thing that got a response out of him was not the thought of losing me, or the bright future we planned, but seeing me take his material things off the walls. That broke my heart. And had I been in a weaker state of mind I probably would have fallen for it too.
So now here I am literally picking up the pieces. Now the place actually is a mess, with his belongings strewn about, I tried to sleep but it didn't happen. I've been up cleaning, doing everything I can to prove him wrong. He said I'll move to New York and my finances will be in disarray along with my house, and I won't be successful. So I'm using all this anxious energy to clear my space. But my heart feels completely broken.