Well I've been home a few weeks now. I go to San Francisco and stay with Codi and his family on weekends, and we take these wonderful walks around the city. There's a park by his house where you can climb to the top of a hill and see for miles. And last week when the weather was in the 70s (very odd for this time of year, even in California) we went to Golden Gate park to kick our shoes off and lay in the grass, letting the sun shine on our faces. We have the most wonderful talks during our excursions, and I'm slowly beginning to piece things together and figure myself out. At 27 years old, I'm beginning to realize I haven't fully known who I am or what I want out of life. Sometimes I fear my own intuition, or I'm afraid of what others will think of me. During one of our walks, as I expressed frustration with things not progressing as fast as I'd like (no job yet, no apartment), Codi stopped me and said that there was a reason for this time of a blank slate, and a reason I essentially had to take a step back. "You have some things you need to resolve before you can move forward," he told me. I knew he was right. Sometimes I feel like I've been in a race for years, going through school, jumping into the workforce after I graduated, then moving a year later. I never really allowed myself to stop and reflect, or figure myself out. So since I have nothing but time right now, I'm taking a step back to look at what direction I really want my life to go in.
At first, upon returning I wanted to dive right into a teaching career. I applied for a teaching fellowship program in Oakland and landed an interview for early March. But as I prepared, I began to think....is this what I really want to do? Or am I simply looking for something stable and secure at a very insecure time? I was unsure. I kept studying for my test, and going over lesson plans as I sorted out my feelings. I wanted to be sure, because teaching is the most important job in the world, and children deserve teachers who are dedicated and give their all to what they do. As I let myself sit with those thoughts, one night I came across a blog that featured all these different young established artists in their studios and talked about what they did. I felt pangs of regret and jealousy as I read about these people, all of them my age and doing exactly what they dreamed of doing. I thought, "that will never be me." Then I thought, "wait a minute! Why not?" What separated me from these artists? Not a whole lot. More experience, more visibility, but I realized there was no reason why I couldn't work hard and do the same thing.
I looked at the stacks of brown cardboard boxes in the corner of my bedroom. Those boxes contained my paintings, delivered from New York. They'd been sitting there for over a week, and I hadn't even bothered to open them. I jumped up and tore the boxes open. As I pulled my paintings out, I began to cry. The bright colors made each one glow like a jewel as pulled them out of the drab cardboard boxes. I studies them, all the heart, skill, and effort I'd put into each one. I realized I'd had a career all along, I just never surrendered myself to it, and put my all into it. I always painted, and said one day I would make things happen for myself as an artist. But then I focused more energy into finding the "perfect" day job for myself, because that's what paid the bills. I asked myself a simple question: If money were of no importance, would you be teaching? The answer was no. And then I asked myself: If money were of no importance, would you be painting? The answer was an emphatic yes! It's the most special thing in the world to me.
I began to think of Codi and my friend Sydni. Codi is a graphic designer, and his dream is to have a flourishing graphic design company of his own. He has a steady job working at the airport, and during his off hours he does design work and meets with clients. He never stops pursuing his dream. He likes his job, but his design business is his priority.
Sydni found her passion in teaching yoga. She completed her teaching training, and now teaches yoga classes at various sites around the bay area. As she continues to develop her teaching practice and take on more classes, she also works as an administrative assistant. She'll usually mention her day job briefly, but becomes so much more enthusiastic when discussing the classes she's teaching.
In my quest for comfort and stability, I made the day job my focus, and that was a mistake that hinders my progress. I already have the perfect job, and that is my job as an artist. I'm going to have to get a day job in order to afford my own space, etc. but my focus must remain on my dream. And that all comes back to being comfortable with that dream, which also means comfortable with myself. What I want out of life is divine, valid, and totally okay! I knew that, but I was afraid to fully embrace it.
Now that I've gotten some more clarity on what it is I'm pursuing, I feel much more peaceful. I'm not worried about being "stuck" in a certain type of job, because I'm an artist first and foremost, so whatever opportunity comes my way I will be happy to take it (and whatever it is will be a blessing considering our current economic situation). I send out resumes, make calls, and then I don't worry about it. Things will open up when they are supposed to. I've been using this time to pursue some artistic ideas that have been rattling around in my brain for the past couple of years.
The lack of money for paint and canvas has done wonders for my creativity! I'd always wanted to do more work with fabric, so I took this as my opportunity. Currently I'm stitching together a large patchwork wall hanging using some of my old clothing. I've also been creating paper cutout figures painted in watercolor (I can use one piece of paper to make several creations when I cut them out). I've had to think outside the box in all areas of my life lately, and while it hasn't been easy, I've learned so much.