Well Codi came out to New York for New Year's, and we made the decision to leave together on Jan. 2nd. I was scared, because I felt that I would be coming back to "nothing". I would be living at home, have to start all over again with no money, no job during a recession...the thought frightened me. But at the same time, I knew I was losing myself in the process of trying to survive in the city. Codi would just look at me sometimes and seemed to sense the fear and defeat, and would just say to me, "you're going to be fine." He was my angel through the entire process. He helped me ship all my things, and pack up my life once again. We rang in the new year in Brooklyn, had a beautiful time with friends (I met some very kindred spirits during my time there), and got on a plane to head for home. We headed west, where we had an overnight stop in Phoenix before our flight to Oakland the next morning. As I looked out the window to the lights of Arizona below, I began to contemplate some of the women artists I admired, and where they made their homes. I thought of Georgia O'Keefe, and her connection to the Southwest. She lived and created in the deserts of New Mexico, and this terrain was inspiration for some of her greatest work. I thought of Frida Kahlo and her strong connection to her home, Mexico. I thought of Frida painting and cultivating life in her blue house. There are amazing artists everywhere, not just concentrated in New York, and they still made huge contributions to the culture. I always knew that, but in that moment I GOT it. It was time for me to cultivate my own dream, not try to make my dream look like everyone else's. Inspired by these women and by home, I came up with ideas for some new nature-based art projects to celebrate the land I'm from. I was so excited to come home and get started on them, and to birth a more truthful vision for my life.
Being away from California made me truly appreciate the beauty of this place. The wide open spaces, the greenery, the fresh air...I felt myself coming to life again. Being back at my mother's house isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Although we have our differences, I sometimes forget that my mother and I are truly on the same wavelength in a lot of ways. The house is full of sunlight, she stocks up on organic groceries and herbal teas, and has cultivated a big beautiful garden out back that is a celebration for the senses. I feel this home is truly a sanctuary, and just what I needed to recuperate physically, mentally, and spiritually. I wake up each morning and have a cup of green tea and whole grain toast, and marvel at the beauty of the garden in winter, with golden leaves covering the ground and rosebushes at rest before their spring bloom. I've just been taking time to think, breathe, and understand myself and what I'm truly being called to do with my life.
Yesterday I drove up to San Francisco to see Codi and we spent time in some of our favorite places in the Mission District, enjoying the city where we fell in love. The next morning we grabbed coffee and went to this beautiful park high on a hill that overlooks almost the entire city. We talked about life and purpose, and our future (we're both staying with our families until we save enough to get our own place again). As we left the park and headed back down the hill, as I crossed an intersection I was delighted to find a tiny very bright gold pumpkin sitting right there on the corner! I excitedly picked it up. "This is a blessing from Osun!" I exclaimed. "And it's at the crossroads, which represents Eleggua, and which is exactly where I am." Before leaving New York, I left 2 small pumpkins at the water's edge in Prospect Park to ask for Osun's blessing in this transition. Codi smiled and said,
"that must mean you're headed in the right direction." And I finally realize that the right direction is my own.
Over the past week I've been contemplating the type of work I want to do next, I don't simply want another job. I'm ready to start doing work that challenges me to utilize all my gifts. After doing some soul searching, I realized that there are two things that really speak to me: education and the creative sector. If I end up teaching, that would be great. And if I end up working in museums again, I would love that too. So I'm focusing my energy on those two pathways, and hopefully something will open up. I have a lot of work to do, but I'm not overwhelmed by it, because the path is illuminated now. I'm not going in a million different directions, and I'm not wasting my energy on fear and panic. It's not that I don't ever become afraid or wonder, "how the heck am I gonna pull this off?" but now that I have a direction and a goal, when those feelings come up, I can just breathe and focus on that.
This is going to be a beautiful year, a year of change.