So much has changed since the last time I posted anything. It was changing so fast I delayed writing about it until I could process it all and sit with my thoughts. Where to begin?
One thing about being quiet and being still is the mind is more in tune to what's below the surface, things that get overlooked when we're running around. In my stillness, I began to notice some things about my life, my thinking, and my situation. A big part of why I came back from New York was to settle down with Codi. We'd been talking about moving in together and getting married soon, even having kids in the next couple years. When I came back, some things began to change. Both of us have been living with our families and visiting back and forth, and my understanding was that that would be a very temporary situation. I was looking for jobs in San Francisco and Oakland, where we wanted to live, and saving for my share of a deposit on an apartment. As this was happening on my end, things in Codi's life were shifting. His godfather runs a small record label that Codi was doing design work for. He promoted Codi from designer to Vice President, which is wonderful. He's learning a lot, taking on more responsibility, and he loves what he's doing. But in the process, his focus shifted. His money started going towards new equipment and things for the business, and he said he was in no rush to move in together, he was fine at grandma's house. I found myself growing resentful. This was not what I came back for.
For weeks, I'd been wrestling with thoughts of missing my life back in Brooklyn. I kept shrugging it off, thinking it was just because I was at home with no job. I kept reminding myself how hard it was. But at the same time I began looking at ways that I had made it hard on myself. I moved into a place that didn't look all that clean (and later turned out to be filthy) because I wanted to live with these 2 wonderful girls. I didn't read the writing on the wall. From there I moved into an apartment I couldn't afford by myself before Codi's transfer was even finalized. I'd had an opportunity to work at a museum while I was there, but turned it down because it was part time, thus ending up working at a grocery store instead. When I looked at the choices I made, how I tried to control things that were beyond my control, and not honoring my vision, I realized that I'd made a tough place to live even tougher by treating myself in such a manner!
For so long, I've been trying to stuff my spirit and my vision into the lives and ways of others. I didn't respect my own truths, my own journey. I had all these notions about the way I was supposed to be living, that were not my own. But now I understand that what works for someone else may not automatically work for me, And at the end of the day, I have to be myself. I have to follow my heart and trust what it tells me.
I made the decision to return to New York in the fall. It was hard to admit, because I knew it wouldn't be easy, and I knew everyone would think I was nuts. But coming back made me realize why I'd left in the first place. Things had come to a fairly natural close in this place, and although it hadn't changed, I had. At first Codi had a hard time with it. But I realized I couldn't put my dreams on hold waiting for him to make a real commitment to our life. If he was putting all his energy and effort toward his dreams, why shouldn't I? So I told him quite simply. "You're the one. My search is over. But you're not ready to provide me with what I need, and you're focusing on your career. I'm happy for you, but now it's time for me to focus on mine. Come and be with me whenever you feel that you're ready." I left the ball in his court. I'm not bugging him about a job transfer, etc. because I shouldn't have to. It wasn't easy, but we're coming to a place of accepting each other exactly as we are now.
I spoke with my friend who facilitates the yearly women's circles, readings, etc. I told her, "you're gonna think I'm crazy, but I'm going back to New York." She laughed and said, "I don't think you're crazy at all. Girl, when you first came back I saw you returning to New York. I just didn't want to mention it and freak you out." I had to laugh. I told her how many of my friends and family thought I was nuts, and wondered why I had come back in the first place. "You needed to recover!" She told me. "And now you know things about living there that no one could tell you." She was so supportive, and that made me feel stronger. She went on to say that many of us, when we're chasing our dreams tend to cut a path that's a little more jagged. But that path is our own. She herself is someone who left a stable nonprofit job to study midwifery and become a full time doula working for herself. There were times when the lack of security has been scary, but she's strong and brave, and her faith gets her through. And people don't always understand her journey, but she's fulfilled.
So rather than focusing on worries of how I would pull this off or what would happen, I got to work. I took a job at a department store close to home so I could save more money and not worry about rent, and started putting the rest of my energy into my artwork and Black Butterfly. I've been writing articles about my favorite artists, and have gotten a lot of positive feedback, and now artists are starting to contact me about posting their latest work and show announcements, which is exciting! I've started applying for grants, and even working on a visual/performance with one of my friends. I've found that part of what I love to do is collaborate with and celebrate other artists, so that has become an integral part of my work. Another project I'm working on that I'm very excited about is donating art pieces to organizations/community centers that positively affect the lives of women and girls. The more I reach out, the more I feel uplifted.
So I'm working, praying, creating, and saving, and working on deeper and more honest communication with my man. I'm learning to love my life exactly as it is in the moment, and honoring my visions exactly as they are.