Yes I've been running. That only occurred to me recently and I've finally decided to accept that. I think there is a part of me truly afraid to release all that is within for fear that I'll be isolated...funny because I feel isolated now. You would think that at this point in my life I'd be past that. I'm 26 years old and afraid of being alone. WOW. What the devil? The idea that my entire reality is bordered by the fear of isolation is painful.
I really don't know what the deal is. I'm not who I thought I was. I don't know how to be who I want to be. I don't feel I have the energy to find out. When I was twelve I recieved my first walkman and tape. The tape was Otis Redding...I think it was a greatests hits or something. However I listened to only one song "sitting on the dock of the bay" only because my parents loved it and requested it all the time and was the only one I was fairly familiar with. Today I heard that song again and really identified with it. It is still singing in my spirit as I type this. I joined this site awhile back and loved the support and energy surrounding it. At several down moments I was urged to log on and breathe the scene and I simply found other things to do. Today I made myself do it and I realize I've been running. Kinda sickens me honestly. Could my life really be affected by the presence of one person? That is a jarring idea. I'm faced with two possibilities: Either that is true or my belief system is off kilter.
Well step one is complete. I wonder what step two will be?
