I'm definitely a "yes" person. I love to give, love to be of service when I can, and over the years I have even done it at the expense of myself, giving more than what I could, and having some of my needs not met as a result. It was actually financial guru Suze Orman who got me to rethink doing this. She was talking about how many women have a problem of giving and giving, and decimating their own energy and resources as a result. She went on to say that that's not truly giving, because you're really just transferring suffering in a way, there is still someone in need, only now that someone is you. She said that true giving is when we can give freely, and when those choices enhance our lives, not bring them down in some way.
This week I guess that's a lesson the Creator really wanted me to learn, because I've had to say no a lot! And it was almost painful. First one of my friends invited us all up north for a camping trip, but I was going to have to be one of the drivers. I said ok, but the more I thought about it, the more uneasy I got. I'm going to have to sell my car this month before I move, and I began to think better of the six hour drive into the mountains. My car was in need of a tune up, and if anything happened to it, I would have a hard time selling it. I felt sick with worry about telling my friend. I was so scared she would be upset. Finally she called me, and I worked up the courage to tell her. I was so panicked, I even started off with, "I have some bad news..." I told her, and she was fine. She said she totally understood about the car, and would ask one of our other friends to drive. Then she went on talking about the new guy in her life! All that worrying, and it was ok!
Later that day my mother called me. My dog, who is sick with cancer, had gotten a lot worse. We've known for some time he needed to be put to sleep, but because he was mostly my dog she wanted me to do it. The next day. She told me the vet closed at 6pm so I would need to be home (an hour away) before then. I get off work at 5pm. I told her it would be impossible. "Ask to take off early," she said. "Tell your boss you have to go home and put your dog to sleep." It sounded fishy even as she said it, like one of those "dog ate my homework" kind of stories. And with everything going on with my uncle and father, I had taken a sick day just last week. I told her I had just called in, and wouldn't be able to do it. "Do you want your dog to suffer?" She demanded. I told her of course not, but I couldn't do it until the weekend. "Fine! I'll just take him myself." Then she mumbled something about having to do everything herself, and said goodbye. I felt BAD. But it really was impossible for me to do. Didn't go as well as the first one, but hey I was still breathing.
All this week, my boyfriend has been asking for stuff. He asked me to buy bookshelves from Ikea to put in the bedroom. I told him I couldn't afford those, and he bought them himself. He broke the lever on the trash can, and asked me to buy a new one. I told him I couldn't right now. No new trash can, but he seemed ok with it. He then asked for a special (and expensive) soy protein powder he takes every day. I told him I couldn't afford it. He began to get upset. "Everything I ask you for, you say no," he told me. "When was the last time you gave me anything?" That made me very sad. I've been sticking to a serious budget (something he encouraged me to do), and sacrificing a lot to save money. I thought I was giving him immaterial things, being a loving mate, helping to keep the house in order, putting food on the table. But my saying no to his material wants gave him the impression that I did not care. I felt bad and started to think about giving in, he really just wanted a few things anyway. Then on my way home, I had to put gas in my car at $4 a gallon. I arrived home to a tv/internet bill waiting for me. The funds I have are earmarked for those expenses, so I would not have been giving freely. I've had to cut out unnecessary expenses of my own (my beloved dance classes) to stay on top of everything. But I still felt sad, like I did something wrong.
I guess not everyone is going to like the new No Marissa. But at least I like myself, and I'm working on creating emotional, spiritual and material abundance in my life, and that's a start. Hopefully folks will come around.