writing through it....
So he left and came back. I thought that would be it. I'd know better, he'd know better, we would both just DO BETTER the second time around. I don't know how it got to this point. Am I really that stupid? Do I really crave the presence of a man that much that I am willing to deny reality and quality just to ensure he won't leave. I cannot deny that since he step foot back into my life, things are not the same. I'm trying to make them the same but they just aren't. I do not have the JOY I had. I have good times with him. Really, really good times. I love and cherish our friendship, but my life seems to be crumbling before me. Things just fell into place and now either the puzzle was never put together right the first time or I broke it by forcing a piece in that just didn't fit. Why can't I reconcile this within myself? It cannot be that difficult to leave a man. Can it? I want him, but there are parts of him that just don't mesh well with me or the life I want to lead. My vision is all cloudy now, literally and figuratively. I've got to end this, someway.
This mess I'm in
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Posted June 19th, 2008 By gldnblulady |
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who would've thought....
I'm there with you sista. One of the lines that I follow is that I am my sister's keeper and I tell you I've been there and back as a matter of fact this is also my 2nd time allowing this ex in my life and so far like some of the sistas have said is that I'm keeping myself busy and being very still in the midst of it. It so happens that my mother and I are experiencing the same situation, with her it's with my father who she has tried to leave numerous times and I see when she speaks to me about my relationship I understand why she really is trying to nip this in the bud. At one point I didn't understand why I was so fed up with the situation yet when he was in my space I would allow him to step in and then I realized it was 2 things, I wanted to keep the peace and also wanted companionship. I was afraid of moving forward alone and realized that deep in my womb I felt this was wrong and he's not my mate so I had to let go. So right now my mother and I are allowing our stillness, meditations and prayers move us forward and allow our strengths to make us stronger to be happy and just learn to release with no regrets. I wish you many blessings Glnblulady and hope that you're finding strength to make the right decisions and trust yourself.
Girl...
I must say I know exactly what you are going through. All I can say is be strong and stay busy. HE has a plan for you.
- Your true character shows by how you treat the least among us. -
It can be confusing
I'd say the main thing you have to figure out is whether you and this man are headed in the same direction. Are you growing together or apart? That doesn't mean you both have to be at equal places in your journey, but you want to be ultimately headed towards the same destination, helping each other grow and stay balanced along the way. Sit down and consider your goals for your life. Try to picture where you'd like to be in the next 5 years, in every aspect of your life, including relationships. Can he give you the relationship you want and deserve, or is he at least willing to try? If the answer is no, it may be time to say goodbye.
At the same time, I know the goodbye is hard. That moment where someone leaves your life can feel so raw and hollow. But remember, if you keep him around just to avoid that feeling, you're postponing someone even better for you to come into your life and bless you with a deeper love.
Write about what you want, in every aspect.
Be Still
Sometimes its best to be still and quiet everything down. In the stillness the answer will come to you. I've been leaving my man for 8 yrs. now. At first I left him emotionally,next I left him no love, then spirtually I no longer had any faith in him or our relationship. Sexually I left him an empty hole,him wandering blindly in my vast chasm poking around and me getting no orgasm I'd drift off momentarily,whilst he plowed seeds in me,I left him no fertility and no growth. But what did i leave me? I'm not ready to sit still and contemplate that yet. So i keep moving just moving not really going anywhere just keeping busy. It took my 18y/o daughter to say the things that I should've and cause us to split.