Greetings, Sisters! I'd initially posted this as a brief comment in response to PEECHEZ23's blog request to connect with other doulas.

 There seem to be many doulas/aspiring doulas here at YMIB, and I think it's wonderful that so many women are committed to empowering other women and families to rediscover and listen to the spirit within that we were all born with so that we may bring forth life in ways that are natural, non-invasive, non-intimidating, and well-informed. It's inspiring to say the least. By taking back that power, we have the ability to heal ourselves and our families in the most profound ways.

Instead of catching up on episodes of America's Next Top Model during my lunchtime...

Part I

Part II

Has your spirit ever instructed you to do something and you disobeyed? It could be something simple or complex. Either could be life-changing or seemingly not. Have you ever prayed for direction and guidance and felt like you were getting no answers? Open you ears...and your heart. Silence your mind.

For the last few days, maybe longer, but I know for sure at least for this week something has been telling me to 'get up and walk.' Every morning I hear it, "get up and walk." Some days I get up. Tuesday, I did walk...but most days, I roll over in the bed and go back to sleep. Or I get up and eat. I was disobeying the guiding spirit within, the voice that I'd been praying to guide me. I was receiving my answer but I wasn't listening.

Walk where and for how long? Why? Those were my questions. I'm too tired. I'm 39 weeks pregnant. I should eat now. Those were my excuses. The voice temporarily went away in response to my questions and excuses, only to reappear the next morning.

One part of me would never write something like this and post it online, but I'm getting to the point where I just don't care. I'm tired of holding things in. I've been tired of holding things in.

I can't sleep tonight, and I found myself crying after listening to my own thoughts for long enough. Sometimes I feel so stupid. I've had so many opportunities in life, and I have nothing to show for it. I graduated at the top of my high school class. Had enough scholarships to owe next to nothing for college. Supportive friends and family, for the most part. I've studied/lived abroad. Met many different types of people. I've lived in a couple of different states and been given chances to do things just because people like something about my personality.

I know I'm not stupid by any stretch of the imagination, but I just don't know what to do with myself. I tell myself all the positive things that I know. I've read inspirational books and listened to inspirational songs. But I can't figure out why I am not doing more than I am or why I'm not better than I am or what I'm supposed to be doing.

On past blogs, I've posted "resolutions" or lists of goals that I'd like to accomplish. For instance, I wanted to go to a certain school for graduate study, and I wanted a specific job in the community. I wanted to pay off debt and save more. Those kinds of things. This time, things are a little different. More than accomplishing those measurable goals, there are some things that I really need to focus on developing within myself before I'm able to fully materialize some of those more measurable goals outside of myself. So while I do have some tangible goals that I'm interested in pursuing, I'll be talking here about those inner things I need to work on.

#1 Smile at Myself Daily:

I love Sounds of Blackness.
Whenever I really feel like I can't make it, I can count on one of their songs to get me through. This is one of my favorites that I just wanted to share.
Enjoy...and Keep your head to the sky! ;)

Optimistic

Keep keep On....
Never Say Die....
When in the midst of sorrow
You can' t see up when looking down
A brighter day tomorrow will bring

You hear the voice of reason
Telling you this can't never be done
No matter how hard reality seems
Just hold on to your dreams

Don't give up and don't give in
Although it seems you never win
You will always pass the test
As long as you keep your head to the sky
You can win as long as you keep your head to the sky
You can win as long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic

The last two weeks, I've been focused on my own discomfort quite heavily. I'd been overwhelmed by my new job, and I was seriously rethinking my decision to accept this position at the school. The things that I knew I would hate about school systems got to me much earlier than I'd expected...and people...well some just got on my nerves...but a dear friend was right in suggesting that I not judge people and the things that I'm seeing and experiencing too early. And I don't even want to talk about the children's behavior and lack of appreciation. I was really ready to throw in the towel...at least in that moment cause I was coming home depressed every night.

Anyway, yesterday was a revelatory moment of sorts. I'd let a few students remain in class with me, and as we talked I realized that I'd not deeply considered some of the things that were mentioned by my students during this moment. I mean, I'd chosen Special Ed some years ago because I knew that those students tended to be the forgotten ones and a disproportionate amount of Black males are placed in Special Education classes, but somehow I failed to consider the awareness that the children possess of the situation.

for some time
it never crossed my mind
that it could’ve been one so close to me
so my initial response was
amazement
shock
confusion
dismay
‘cause I never thought it could’ve been this way
never saw it happening like this

with me all the time
i thought my best interests were in her mind
but never could I have been more wrong
for so many years
for time so long
I trusted her
blindly
only to one day see
that she indeed
was not she

but them