As I've been preparing for my transition back to New York, in between searching for rooms to rent and getting my funds together, etc. I've been taking time to reflect on my time and my life here, and really enjoy myself. Yesterday was a sunny day in San Francisco, and I spent it outdoors. I went downtown early in the morning and got to see the gay pride parade, which was huge, colorful, and at times hilarious, then headed to the outskirts of the city to watch a free Les Nubians concert in the park with Halima and a couple of her friends. And in the midst of all the fun, I found myself having wonderful conversations that kept me connected to purpose and spirit. One of my old friends called me early in the day (he's also friends with most of my other girlfriends), and we briefly spoke about what had gone down a few weeks ago between everyone. He said to me very simply, "Everyone knows your background and where you come from, and real friends are going to respect you for who you are, even if your views are different from theirs.

Time is flying by and many lovely things are happening, along with some negative things that force me to think harder and love harder. In the past week we've had someone close to us attempt suicide, and I literally told some of my friends to please leave me alone and pretend they never met me. There was so much hurt, confusion, and anger floating around, and Codi and I were drowning in it. I kept trying to breathe, sing, paint, anything I could to shift my energy, but nothing was working. Codi tried to throw himself into his freelance jobs, but found himself sad and exhausted. Both of us had just had it.

It has been kind of a crazy week. To make a long story short, my friends happened upon this blog and were none to happy about what was written (I suppose that will teach me to use aliases when I write!). This is a forum where I express myself very deeply and honestly, and I'm determined to keep that up no matter whose eyes are upon my words or how folks react. I suppose that's the artist in me. I'm in the process of letting go of some old wounds and relationships that no longer serve me, and that can be a wrenching process. At the same time, I feel blessed to be surrounded by an amazing and supportive group of people who love me for who I am. So while I am sad by what has transpired, I feel like I have angels lifting me up, reminding me of all that is good in life.

For the past few weeks I've been going through the interview process in order to join americorps for a program addressing issues of hunger in New York. The question that keeps coming up is, "you're an artist. Why are you interested in community work?" It's a valid question, but one I always have to answer when I'm up for any type of community position, and I wanted to expand on that since it's been on my mind.
I consider artists to be a vital part of any and every community. It's important that we have our finger on the pulse of the issues, and provide perspective, healing, a record...whatever we choose to express. The artist is a mirror of her community and also a catalyst for change.
I think there's a stereotype of the artist being locked away in a studio, or isolated is some fancy gallery, and not really being of the people. I know so many artists, most of them artists of color, who do just the opposite. They engage with the community in so many ways. They teach, help build community gardens, speak to youth...and it helps fuel their creative work as well, and also expand their audience.

My friends and I had been looking forward to this weekend for a long time. Our homegirl who had left for South Africa last year had graduated there, traveled across the continent teaching and working with the UN, and was now coming back home before heading to New York to start a masters' program in international relations at NYU. Did I mention she's only 23?? We were all so happy and proud, and excited to have a homecoming party for her. My friend is also of Arab/Jewish descent, and her identity has become an issue in our circle of friends.
My entire life, I've had wonderful friends of diverse backgrounds. I've always been proud of who I am and I know my history, and I'm secure with my identity. So I never felt my Blackness was diminished by having friends of different backgrounds. Sometimes I get together with my friends of all races, other times I'm in gatherings that are strictly Black. That's how I was raised, and I'm sorry to say that when I went off to college in San Francisco, joined the BSU and started taking Black Studies classes, it was the main reason people made fun of me in our rather segregated school.

So much has happened this past week! I was happily working at my new job, making art, and preparing for my coming transition in the fall. Everything was feeling very happy and easy. Out of the blue, I got a call from my old boss at the African museum I was supposed to work at but fell through. In a rather frantic tone, he said "do you still want the the job? If you want it it's yours, you are the only person I'm reaching out to. But I need to know now." I told him that I was planning on returning to New York in the fall, and I already had a job close to home. He said the museum only needed someone temporarily, as they might even be shutting down for 6 months since business was so bad. He asked where I was working now. When I told him, he said, "Oh, shit. Those horrible old ladies probably leave the fitting rooms full of garbage, don't they?" I told him no, and that I liked spending my day helping older women. They were patient and appreciative of good service. I found his whole tone rather odd. I told him I would think about the position, because it was offering more money, and it was at a museum after all.

The other night I was pleasantly surprised to see a Huggies diaper ad featuring a beautiful young dreadlocked mama and her adorable daughter. Have any of you seen the ad? It's part of a series about real parents and kids potty training. I loved it so much I wanted to share:
http://www.pull-upspottyproject.com/kids/lyon/

So much has changed since the last time I posted anything. It was changing so fast I delayed writing about it until I could process it all and sit with my thoughts. Where to begin?

Everything happens as it's supposed to, in its own time. The new job did not come through. My boss called to tell me he had tried, there was just no money to bring someone else in. In fact, things were so tight he learned they were eliminating HIS job as well. He apologized and wished me luck. I wasn't sure how to feel. I allowed myself about half an hour of upset time, then I cut it off. Clearly the creator has something else in mind for me.
I'm blessed that I'm able to stay with my mother right now, that I have enough food to eat, and a roof over my head. When I'm not looking for a job, I spend my time writing, painting, doing yoga, and taking long walks. These things have helped me maintain some inner peace, so that these troubled times don't knock me off balance.
Any type of sadness or frustration I have, I pour that energy into my work. I started a big bright new goddess painting that's nearly finished now, and I've been writing articles for my Black Butterfly blog regularly.

Over the past few months, my friends and I have been talking about the beauty of freefrom locs, or locs that aren't always twisted and manicured. We've talked about how we all felt some of that pressure to conform and sport locs that were constantly twisted. One of my friends is a loctician, and although her hairline was under a lot of stress and she felt it needed a "rest", she also worried that she would lose clients and her coworkers would find her a poor reflection on the shop if she didn't maintain her 'do. Myself and another friend were often stopped by men on the street telling us we were in need of a "touch up", and offering their services. I wondered if they would be so bold towards a sister with a perm or weave.

I've been making so many exciting changes, and moving towards a more balanced and fulfilling life by working to surround myself with positivity in every way. As I began to make these inner (emotional/spiritual) changes, the one thing I'd been neglecting became glaringly apparent: my health! I picked up some horrible eating habits while stressed out and broke in New York, and some horrible habits for managing stress (trying to drink and party my pain away). I know that part of balancing the rest of my life means adding health to that list as well, so my journey has begun. I've started by reading the Sacred Foods chapter of Sacred Woman, doing morning yoga, and drinking more water. I also sat down and took a personal inventory of sorts, so I can see what needs to change. It was hard to even write! It doesn't look like the writing of the girl who used to create big beautiful salads, steep herbs, and dance every week. But I know looking at it will help me move forward. I wanted to share it here, so I can't hide from it any longer :) Here's what I wrote:

My health and what I want to change.

Spring is coming around the corner, and I'm so ready to let go of old hurts and habits, and embrace the new. These past two months have been a struggle for me. I was filling out applications to the point where it felt like OCD, and didn't land a single interview (actually, I did have one for a temp. admin. job, but they called back the day before to say I was entry level, and they were looking for someone with mid to high level experience. Dang.) It was rough. On top of that, my mother and I began to argue because she could not understand why I couldn't find a job. I was at my wit's end. Codi kept reminding me that it's a recession, everyone is out of work, and employers are hesitating to hire anyone. I knew he was right, but that still didn't improve my circumstances. I just felt hopeless.

Lately it seems like every time I turn on the television there's more bad news. Stimulus plan held up by endless red tape, people getting laid off, people murdering their entire families because they've been laid off (!!!) And it's in this climate that I'm supposed to go out, slap a smile on my face and search for a job. It's a daunting task. I knew I had a choice: I could either allow myself to sink into that collective sense of dread, desperation, and depression, or I could count my blessings and continue forward on my journey with light in my heart. I chose the light.
I looked around one day and realized that at this point, one thing I've got an abundance of is time. I decided that rather than being down in the dumps about a job, I would apply all that time and energy into doing what I love. I pulled my big wooden easel out of the closet and set to work completing last summer's goddess (I've started a tradition of creating a big goddess painting every summer, beginning with the one that's pictured in my profile banner), a composition I'd been wrestling with for months. Now she's nearly finished!

Well I've been home a few weeks now. I go to San Francisco and stay with Codi and his family on weekends, and we take these wonderful walks around the city. There's a park by his house where you can climb to the top of a hill and see for miles. And last week when the weather was in the 70s (very odd for this time of year, even in California) we went to Golden Gate park to kick our shoes off and lay in the grass, letting the sun shine on our faces. We have the most wonderful talks during our excursions, and I'm slowly beginning to piece things together and figure myself out. At 27 years old, I'm beginning to realize I haven't fully known who I am or what I want out of life. Sometimes I fear my own intuition, or I'm afraid of what others will think of me. During one of our walks, as I expressed frustration with things not progressing as fast as I'd like (no job yet, no apartment), Codi stopped me and said that there was a reason for this time of a blank slate, and a reason I essentially had to take a step back. "You have some things you need to resolve before you can move forward," he told me. I knew he was right.

Well Codi came out to New York for New Year's, and we made the decision to leave together on Jan. 2nd. I was scared, because I felt that I would be coming back to "nothing". I would be living at home, have to start all over again with no money, no job during a recession...the thought frightened me. But at the same time, I knew I was losing myself in the process of trying to survive in the city. Codi would just look at me sometimes and seemed to sense the fear and defeat, and would just say to me, "you're going to be fine." He was my angel through the entire process. He helped me ship all my things, and pack up my life once again. We rang in the new year in Brooklyn, had a beautiful time with friends (I met some very kindred spirits during my time there), and got on a plane to head for home. We headed west, where we had an overnight stop in Phoenix before our flight to Oakland the next morning. As I looked out the window to the lights of Arizona below, I began to contemplate some of the women artists I admired, and where they made their homes. I thought of Georgia O'Keefe, and her connection to the Southwest.

Oh what a journey I have been on these past two weeks! I was really just sitting with my decision to go home. As I sat with it, it became more and more solid. I love New York, and I've always wanted to come here. What I realized after I arrived and began to make a life for myself was that this was satisfying a part of myself that hadn't grown up yet. My 23 year old self who never got her shot at the "big city" had been kicking and screaming within me. When she got what she needed, she was still, and I could see things for what they were.

I had a vision of God's plan for my life. It came over me at the most unexpected time and place, but it was a radiant surprise, like when the sun bursts through the clouds and its warmth suddenly hits your skin. I saw it, I felt it, and I'm not afraid anymore.

An excerpt from an astrological forecast that resonates deeply with where I am on my path: "We may notice that a few of our deepest attachments are actually obstacles to our strongest goals. Our personal crossroads may require us to sort out what's needed on our path, and what we have to jettison to move forward...think of this as compost, breaking down old gardens and garbage to fertilize new growth ahead."

I move forward with this vision in my mind, not quite sure how I will birth it yet, but the simple fact that it is there gives me comfort. Parts of me have been asleep for too long.

I feel a profound sense of peace right now. I'm no longer worried about this choice, I'm simply letting it unfold. Talking to friends, boyfriend and family have brought me immense comfort as well as confirmed what I know in my heart. It's not yet time for me to act, I'm still called to think clearly and be still. In the meantime, I'm writing so I can understand it all.

Is it “giving up” to go back home?
Depends on what your definition of
Giving
Up
Is
I don’t think of it as
Giving up
More like
Letting
Go
Of one dream for another
Libra lady
Places her life on the scales
And finds
That one
Reality
Holds more weight
Means more
Than she ever knew
Do I regret the journey?
Never
It was needed
To grow
Strong
Appreciate
The beauty
Right before my eyes
To look at love
Life
All over again
This place is lovely
So much to experience
So much happening
But
I turned around
And realized
That somewhere
In all my running around
I grew up...
I followed a dream
That delighted my 23 year-old self
She is at peace now
And here I stand
A woman
On the verge of
Everything she ever dreamed of
But didn’t know
She couldn’t live without
I know now

I didn't even want to write today, because I'm so conflicted. But I'm so conflicted, I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't write. For the past few months, Shango has been visiting me in my dreams. Not the physical embodiment of Shango, but I've been having dreams filled with people praying to him, playing songs for him, and his image appears on a random card or paper somewhere in the dream. I didn't know what to make of these dreams until I had one a few nights ago, and something "clicked". Shango is about focus, planning, and strategy, some areas where I'm considerably lacking. I can dream, create, manifest...but doing it in any kind of order often eludes me. I just like to "do"! Anyways, with this in mind, I've really been focusing on my life goals lately, figuring out what it is I really want.

Well that's how I feel, at least. The current is rushing all around me, going in a direction, and I'm just standing still. So the name of the game for me right now has been to maintain and keep my balance. I keep trying to change my circumstances. Financially things have been tough, and my mother helps me out a little each month, and that makes me cringe because I've always been very independent, and I pride myself on being able to take care of myself. We had a long talk yesterday about not being ashamed of asking for help, and how it wouldn't be this way forever. I apply to all these different jobs and go on interviews hoping to land something better for myself, and I get passed over every time. For whatever reason, now just isn't the time to make the change, and I haven't learned all I need to learn yet from my present circumstances. What I'm learning from my present situation is that I'm stronger than I ever knew. As I prepared to move out here, people said I wouldn't be able to handle it. People said I was too nice and too naive to move to a place like New York, they said I would never be able to stand the winter after living in California my whole life.

So recently in my web travels I found this amazing interview NPR did with Phylicia Rashad a few years ago when she was in the August Wilson play 'Gem of the Ocean', and it was so inspiring! She talks about meditation, creativity, inspiration, nature...this really was a joy to listen to. It's about 30-45 minutes and it's well worth setting aside some "me time" with a cup of tea to listen to. I felt so refreshed and empowered afterwords!
Hope you enjoy it, here's the link:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=3855543

So as my man and I are now going on 5 years together, I've been taking some time out to appreciate and reflect on our journey together, and I felt compelled to write about it.

My birthday was this past weekend, and while Codi was visiting we took a moment to film some footage of new art that I'm working on. Here's part 1 and if you click on the link below it will lead you to the rest of the videos. I hope everyone enjoys it :)

NY Studio Pt 1 from Marissa Arterberry on Vimeo.

link to all my footage:
http://vimeo.com/1990803

Well I was going to wait and write when I was all settled, but I'm itching to write right now, so this phase of my journey may be a 2-parter :) Basically, I've been working very hard. 40 hours per week at the health food store, and on my off days and in the evenings making calls and viewing apartments. No time to rest, no space to heal. I was coming home and sleeping with the lights on because that was the only thing that confused the bedbugs and kept them from eating me alive while I slept. I lost 20 lbs from the stress, anxiety, and conditions in our kitchen which I'd rather not get into, but needless to say made me lose my appetite. (Fortunately I had a good 20 to spare, lol). So long story short, the chaos and conditions were driving me out of my mind. At the same time, there were all these bright spots reminding me why I came to this place. I've met some amazing artists and made wonderful friends, and even through what I've been going through, there's something about this place that speaks to me. I made friends in Brooklyn and I just love the atmosphere there, so that's where I began to work and look for an apartment.

I'm so in love with the beauty of life right now it brings tears to my eyes...there are a few things in the air right now that I'm praying will manifest within the next few days, and I'm trying to wait and post a whole blog about it then, but meantime I'm bursting with excitement! I can say I realized part of the reason things were not going so well and I was unhappy had everything to with spirit. In times when we are intensely tested by the trials of life that is when it's time to focus and pray, several times a day even. It's time to write and reflect, and visualize. Rather than seeing those times as "hard times" or "bad times", I've realized I have to start viewing them as holy times, spiritual times. And uplifitng my spirit is what has gotten me through, and so many amazing changes are taking place. Hopefully I will have more good news to write soon :)

Everything in this place is turning and shifting, and I'm just trying to find my place in it all. It hasn't been easy, but I knew it wouldn't be. The first push was getting here, and now the second will be getting comfortable here. I've committed myself to moving out of my current apartment by the end of the month. The bedbugs got things off to a nasty start. I was so excited when my paintings arrived, I put them up on the walls and got back to my regular routine of painting every morning. Then I found bedbugs running down the walls, so the paintings had to be taken off the walls and stacked in the corner. I went to iron a skirt a couple days ago, and a bedbug came running out, so everything had to be washed and put in plastic bins. I had barely unpacked, and suddenly I found myself packed up again! I still feel very unsettled and almost in a chaotic state.

I've learned so much this week about order following chaos, the calm after the storm. It's been a week of serious reflection and centering for me. It started one morning as I prepared to leave the house. I was in my room getting ready, and bumping my mix of traditional Afro-Cuban music from my laptop. Suddenly, the music stopped, and both of the Orisa prints that someone had given me from Brazil fell off the wall. These were not framed, so they weren't heavy, just pieces of paper tacked to the wall. The two that fell were Oxossi and Nana. That's when I knew something was way off. I had been feeling a little lost all last week, not really sleeping or eating, stressed out, and my head was all over the place. And when those pictures fell down it let me know I had to make a change, but I was still confused as to what it meant. After I got off the subway, I had a voicemail from one of my sisterfriends, a practicioner of Lucumi. "I had a dream about you last night," she said, "so I just wanted to call and see how you're doing." I told her about the pictures, and she helped me break it down. "Oxossi is the hunter. He's a straight shooter, and never misses his mark.

Well so far my experience here in New York has been profoundly beautiful, gut wrenching, and everything in between. I'm getting settled into my spot. I assembled my Oshun altar, and that's a calming presence in my room. This transition has not been easy, so I've been focusing a lot of my energy there. What I know is that I truly love this place. With each passing day, I understand more and more why I was called here. I have some important work to do artistically, mentally, and spiritually. I've spent a good chunk of my adult life looking outside of myself for answers, and looking to others to define who I was. It's time to cultivate my own garden.
But the transition is by no means easy. New York is definitely more expensive, and the competition for jobs is much greater. I apply for things every day, but I panic a little, because I have two months I can sustain myself before I would have to leave. I don't want to do that, because things are very positive for me here, and I'd hate to throw in the towel before I even got started! But I'm determined, so I'm trying to just breathe, pray, and be patient.

Well the last couple of weeks have been quite crazy and stressful, but I've been keeping myself grounded with prayer and visualization. Craigslist had become
a part time job for me, as I searched through mounds of overpriced, too small, and too weird listings for apartments in New York. I came across an ad for 2 female artists looking for a room. I called, and had a nice conversation with one of the roommates. We made plans for me to come and view the apartment the following week.
I arrived in New York on Monday, and as soon as I stepped out on the street, all my senses began to sing. I had been anxious about such a big move, but once I arrived, I knew I was home. I took the subway up to Washington Heights, a neighborhood just past Harlem and Spanish Harlem. While riding, I prayed for a positive experience, and visualized having a set of keys handed to me. When I got off the subway, I could feel some of my ancestors waking up, real excited. The neighborhood has a huge Afro-Latino population. The streets were filled with life--beautiful families, bustling fruit stands, merengue music blaring. I loved the energy there. But now there was the matter of the apartment.

Well, this weekend I took a much needed break from everything, in the wilderness with me and 3 sisterfriends, what could be better? One of my friends is getting ready to attend school in South Africa for a year (after which she'll be joining me in New York, yay!) and wanted to have a proper send off with her girls. She's from Humboldt County and invited us all up to her family's house for the weekend.
Now I'll be honest, at first I did not want to go. Not because I wasn't thrilled about the idea, but I knew how much packing, bill paying, phone calling needed to be done before August. I just felt like now was not the time. But I also knew I was stressed out, and completely worn out from everything going on lately. So on Friday morning the four of us rented a car (a big white pickup truck, very cheap because of the gas prices) and headed north.